Kezia-Mommy's Parenting Survival Guide

Nora Lemanski, my grandmother

2012-02-17T20:10:00.000-05:00

One of my assignments for my Funerals course (this year at the Celebrant Institute) was to write a eulogy -- either for myself, or someone I know, living or dead. I chose my grandmother (my dad's mom, Nora Bacon) because she has been on my mind a lot lately . . . not sure why that is. Anyway, it's not especially relevant to this parenting blog, except that it depicts a truly great grandmother, but I feel like I should post it somewhere . . . so here it is.

So many of my memories of my grandmother are set in her kitchen, with its yellow walls, white appliances, red brick linoleum floor. . . Surely you remember it too: the co-mingled smells of coffee and cigarettes, something sweet baking in the oven, something tasty frying on the stove . . .

Nora Catherine Lemanski Bacon. There is a black and white photo of her, around age 20 -- hip cocked, standing on the front step of the tenement where she grew up. She looks sassy, spirited, ready to take on whatever would come her way – which we know now would be 41 years of marriage to Francis “Joe” Bacon; a house on Howland Avenue; Bobby and Mike, her two sons; a cutter’s job in the Waverly Fabric Mill. And then later grandchildren – Joey, Audrey, Kezia, Marnie, and Jeremy.

I knew Nora only as a child would – the doting grandmother who made sure the candy dishes were brimming when my sister and I would come to visit, who always had something special waiting for us -- a new outfit, a coloring book, or some small toy. Gram smiled a lot; she talked AND listened to us; she let us have sugar cereal when our mother would not.

When my parents, my sister and I made the four-hour drive from Marshfield to Adams, there she’d be in the kitchen – the warmest room in the house. Even though she worked all week, the countertops would be filled with sweets – a cake, a pie, a pan of brownies, a plate of cookies. Gram would be at the stove, frying up “spiders” – the hot dogs for which she split the ends into quarters and then blackened in the pan. Spiders, baked beans, her special cabbage salad . . . and Squeeze soda! Soda was a special treat reserved for Gram’s house, and Squeeze was by far the best, manufactured right there in Adams.

After dinner, after tasting at least one and probably ALL of the treats Gram and her sisters had baked, my sister and I would retire to the living room, firing up the old analog tv with the huge rabbit ears. But eventually we’d return to the kitchen, to listen to the adults talk, or sometimes join in a game of rummy. Grampa got home from work right before dinner. Gram’s sisters came by at all hours – Steffie, who lived next door; Blanche, who lived a few miles away. Nora was one of nine children, most of whom still lived in and around Adams.

After dinner, and throughout the weekend, the kitchen would fill with grown-ups. Half the time, I didn’t know who they were. Many were related – aunts, uncles, cousins – and plenty more were friends stopping in for coffee or, depending on the hour, a drink or two. Gram liked a highball, or maybe a 7&7, along with her cigarettes. Grampa always had a shot and a beer.

(Hold up Gram’s recipe box.)

This is my Gram’s recipe box. I associate her so much with food, yet the box is barely half filled. Perhaps she didn’t need recipes. But there are some good ones in here.

(Pull out first card.)

Like her apple cake -- one of my favorites. It reminds me of her warm, loving smile. Gram was fun and easy to be around; and she told great stories.

(Pull out next card.)

Or this one, for doughnuts. I don’t actually remember Gram making doughnuts, but I do recall that every time she and Grampa came to visit, I’d wake in the morning to the foreign smell of percolated coffee in our kitchen. If we were lucky, they would have already come back from Leo’s Bakery. I didn’t understand why they liked the plain doughnuts so much. They saved the lemon, jelly and frosted ones for us.

(Pull out next card.)

And what about this one? Fried Cucumbers? Gram’s note here says that, when served with tartar sauce, they taste like fish. Nora was frugal – she had to be. Grampa worked long days in the quarry; she did the same at the mill. They did not live an extravagant life. I remember clipping coupons with her at the kitchen table, and shopping for bargains on Saturday mornings at Price Chopper, where she’d let me dig in her purse for a stick of Beech Nut gum. Gram played the Daily Numbers Game, the same combination over and over. Between that and scratch tickets, she won a few bucks every now and then.

Let’s take one more card.

(Pull out final card.)

This one is simply entitled: wine. It involves Welch’s Grape Juice and a balloon. Hmm.

Most of you know that Gram had a little side businesses selling Victor Volpe’s moonshine, which she stored in a secret compartment in her stairwell. Sunday mornings there would be a steady stream of guests in search of “Coffee Royal.” The Police not only looked the other way, they were some of her best customers!

I was nine when my mother pulled me aside for a serious talk. We were going to visit Gram and Grampa, and my mother asked us to be careful. “Don’t hug Gram too hard, okay? She is sick in her bones, and we don’t want to break her.” Gram had fallen and broken her shoulder. When they x-rayed it, they found cancer.

The summer before Gram died, I went alone to stay with her and Grampa for a week. One night when I was getting ready for bed, I found Gram sitting at the kitchen table. Her wig removed, she had a filmy kerchief tied around her chemo-bald head. I’d never seen my otherwise-lively grandmother look so tired.

Gram gathered me close to her, and she gave me a hug and a kiss and told me that she loved me. I knew – even at nine – that while our days together were few, I would never forget the way she made me feel – so, so happy and loved. I’m sure a lot of us here today felt that way.

The next time we visited, Gram was in the hospital. And the next time, she was gone. That yellow kitchen never felt so lonely. After the funeral, it was wall-to-wall people – friends and family of all stripes. There was coffee brewing, drinks flowing, food filling every last inch of flat space . . . but no Gram. It wasn’t the same room without her.

My father likes to tell two stories about Gram. In one, he and Mike, like all kids, are testing their limits, tossing some curse words into their dinnertime conversation to see if their mother will notice, or care. Hands on her hips, exasperated, Nora scolds, “You kids better quit your goddamn swearing.” And then she laughs – realizing how her goddamn kids had learned to swear in the first place.

The other story is about Nora's favorite song. Gram used to sing along to the radio, which she kept on the kitchen counter. Whether she was baking, or cooking, or sewing, or clipping coupons, it was on. Her favorite song was “On The Sunny Side of the Street.” She took comfort in the notion that no matter how much life got you down, you could always find a bright side.

That’s where we need to look today. Nora was a light in all of our lives – through her stories, through her cooking, through the unconditional love she gave to her family and her friends. She may be gone, but the impact she made on all of us will not fade.

I’ll leave you with these words, from Nora’s favorite song.

Grab your coat and get your hat
Leave your worry on the doorstep
Just direct your feet
To the sunny side of the street

Can’t you hear the pitter-pat
And that happy tune is your step
Life can be so sweet
On the sunny side of the street

I used to walk in the shade
With my blues on parade
But I’m not afraid . . .
This rover crossed over

If I never had a cent
I’d be rich as Rockefeller
Gold dust at my feet
On the sunny side of the street.

. . . and Good Morning To You, Too

2011-03-16T08:37:00.001-04:00

Photo copyright Chris Bernstein.

I was downstairs working when Abel woke up this morning.

"Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you come up?

"Yup!"

I went upstairs, went into his room, where he was hiding under the blankets, and turned off his humidifier.

"Can you lie down with me?"

"Sure!" This has been a trend this week, where he asks me to lie down, looks right at me with his big blue eyes still hazy with sleep, and says something very, very sweet.

So I grab a blanket that has fallen to the floor, lie on my side facing him, and snuggle in.

"Mom?" he asks, his eyes growing clearer and more alert.

"Mmmmm . . . ?" I am hoping for something good, a little tidbit to launch my day into greatness.

"Ha HAAAAAAA!" he shouts, pulling a curved plastic pirate sword from under the covers, and brandishing it in the air, just inches from my face.

"Are you a pirate?"

"No, but I slept with this in my bed."

Good morning indeed, my son. Every day has its treasures.

Chicken Butt

2011-03-07T08:24:00.000-05:00

In the 2005 movie, The Squid and The Whale, Laura Linney portrays a mother who, among other things, calls one of her sons “Chicken.” It is meant as an endearment, but – I don’t know if I’m the only one – it really grates on me. Maybe it’s the way she says it.

The parents in this film, set in 1980s Brooklyn, are divorcing, and the story is really from the point of view of the two sons, Walt and Frank. The parents aren’t supposed to be all that likeable. I mean, you want to understand where they’re coming from, but you’re also annoyed about the way they mess up their family.

Anyway . . . we all have nicknames for our children, and they often change as time goes by. From the day Chris and I discovered that I was pregnant, we began creating sweet little monikers for our future child. “Inchy” was one, because he was about an inch long at the time; and later “Sputnik,” as we considered his potential. Once he was born, Abel quickly became “Abie Baby” and “Abelicious,” and later “Angel Fish,” and even “Abeloid.”

All of those I can explain. But not this next one.

My mom used to call me “Chickie.” It was a nickname she used when she was in a good mood, and when I seemed to be contributing to her happiness, rather than detracting from it. In the past year, I’ve found myself starting to use this name with Abel. But because it was mine, “Chickie” as a nickname sounds feminine to me. So instead, I call him “Chicken.”

This, of course, reminds me of the Laura Linney character, and I don’t want to be like her . . . And so I find myself grasping for alternatives. Chicken Salad (no), Chicken Liver (no), Chicken Pot Pie (well, maybe). But somehow -- and I really can’t explain the genesis of this – I ended up with one that really stuck. Are you ready for this? Chicken Butt.

Yup, I call my son “Chicken Butt.” I can’t help it.

And he answers to it! I’ll call across the room, “Hey Chicken Butt,” and he’ll answer “What, Mummy?”

Well, until recently. I swear, Abel really didn’t mind his silly nickname until a few weeks ago. Maybe I shouldn’t have used it in front of his friends. And so, very calmly one day while I was strapping him into his car seat, my son asked me to PLEASE not call him Chicken Butt anymore. “Don’t call me anything else, Mummy. My name is ABEL.”

I admit, I still slip up from time to time. But for his sake, I’m trying my best to play by the rules. At least until I can think of an even better nickname. One that he’ll accept, at least for a little while.

My Mexican Moment (7:1)

2011-02-25T14:57:00.009-05:00

At 7:37 AM on February 6, I departed Boston with my sister, husband and son. Four hours later Jet Blue delivered us safely to Cancun, Mexico. After being admitted at Immigration, claiming our bags, and clearing Customs, we hailed a cab and were on our way (a 30-minute ride) to Puerto Juarez.

From there, we rode a ferry over to the island -- our island -- La Isla Mujeres, where we (well, some of us) have been vacationing off and on since 1998. We were eating a late lunch on the beach at 2:30 PM, Mexico time. Paradise.

Traveling to Isla Mujeres is like going home. We know the place. Not like locals know it, but we know it well enough to feel instantly at ease when we step off the boat. Our hotel, with its wide private balconies and rooms that open onto a lush courtyard, feels like home.

Our beach, with its shifting sands and familiar faces, feels like home.

Our favorite places to eat, favorite streets on which to walk, favorite sites to go and see – it all feels like home.

We were there 24 hours before my parents and their traveling companions joined us. By then Marnie and I had already enjoyed more hours of uninterrupted conversation than we had since my son was born. By then Chris and Abel had rented a moped and toured the island. By then we had swum in the ocean, made sand sculptures, sipped fresh coconut water, fallen asleep to the hush of gentle surf and been awakened by the coo of mourning doves.

If you’re keeping count, the arrival of the Bacons and the Donovan/Hickeys yielded a ratio of seven adults to one child. Seven to one! Seven adoring adults and one almost-five year old. The next morning, after breakfast, Chris and Abel headed out for a moto ride, while I ambled back to the hotel. The rest of our group was off eating, or shopping, or changing dollars for pesos . . . I don’t know where they were. The point was: they were not there.

And so I sat, on my private balcony overlooking the hibiscus grove, and read a book. And worked a crossword. And wrote in a journal. I haven’t written in a journal in years! All. By. My. Self. I think it was an hour before anyone came up the stairs to our connected-but-not-adjoining rooms. By then I’d had a revelation.

This was the first time, in nearly five years, that I was experiencing a guilt-free moment to myself. Abel was in good hands. I’d left my work at home. There was nothing to clean, nothing to cook, nothing to organize, nothing to do. Unless I wanted to. And for that hour I did exactly what I wanted to do. By myself. Paradise indeed.

Amazingly, the week continued in this fashion. Sure, I spent 22 or 23 hours a day doing my usual duties – caring for my son, being with my family, playing eating, bathing, sleeping . . . procuring daily double-quarts of bottled “safe” Mexican water. But each and every day, I seemed to have some sort of reprieve – a walk with Marnie, a moped ride with Chris, some time on the beach while Abel was swimming or exploring with someone other than me . . . when I could just contentedly read my books (I managed to finish five of them), do my crosswords, write in my journals, or just daydream. What working mother of a preschooler has time to daydream?

Not long after Abel was born, we tossed around the idea of returning to Mexico, but for various reasons it never felt right. He’s too young – what if he gets sick? He’s too equipment-laden – we’re not schlepping all his gear on a plane. He’s too finicky, or unpredictable, or apt to poop in his underpants . . . but then after last fall’s trip to DC to attend/perform a wedding, we realized that all those excuses had fallen away. We were ready to travel again, to show our son some new perspectives on this world . . .

And boy, did he do well! A four hour plane trip? No problem (thanks to chewing gum, Cartoon Network, Angry Birds and Leapster). Long lines in the airport? He handled them with aplomb. Overwhelming changes in scenery, temperature, cuisine, language, demographics . . . the kid is a born traveler. I thought for sure he’d miss his friends, his TV shows, his Transformers . . . but no, not so much. He picked up more Spanish vocabulary words in a week than I’ve been able to in a decade. Was he ready to go home at the end of the week? Sure, we all were. Does he want to go back? You bet!

I enjoy family vacations because they strip away all the home-based static – the jobs, the housework, the managing of minutia – and permit us just to spend time together. Even if we’re just lounging around our hotel, doing nothing (because it’s raining outside and there’s not much to do put play Spanish Bingo), it feels really good. And important.

This trip reminded me of a particular person with whom I have not been spending much quality time: myself. A week away provided a valuable pause in the busy-ness, to help me reflect on what’s important and re-prioritize my life. I returned home rested, connected, and grateful.

Two Years Later: Potty Training Success!

2011-01-18T22:41:00.001-05:00

Well, he did it. Those of you who have been following our family’s 2-year long potty training saga will be happy to hear that Abel has been accident-free for over a month now. The poops are finally going in the toilet, where they belong! And for this I have Transformers to thank.

Seven months before he began preschool, we started encouraging Abel (two and a half at the time) to use his plain old white Baby Bjorn potty chair. Very limited success. Then he and I went shopping for a very cool blue & green frog-shaped potty, which – combined with several pants-less days at home -- got the ball rolling. He started preschool in pull-ups, but after Christmas vacation (age three and a half) he was wearing underwear and staying dry – and using the regular toilet in our bathroom.

But poop was another story. He refused to use the toilet. It didn’t matter what kind of cool undies we bought together, he still was happy to poop in them. Pooping on Nemo! Pooping on Wall-E! Pooping on Spider-Man . . . he didn’t care.

We tried positive reinforcement. We tried talking about his fears. We tried a timer. We tried bribery (M & Ms had worked for peeing). We tried stickers. We tried making a big deal over every minor success. We tried nonchalance. We tried toilet sitting. We tried reading in the bathroom. We practically memorized the book Everyone Poops.

The fact that all of his friends were now pooping in the toilet, the fact that they told Abel it was gross that he went in his pants – none of this had any bearing on him. He just. Didn’t. Wanna. Poop. In. The. Toilet. So much so that he took to hiding under his train table when he had to do #2.

We didn’t really know what to do. You can’t make your 4-and-a-half-year-old go pants-less around the house in October.

Abel didn’t really know what to do either. He knew that going in his pants wasn’t such a great idea, but the alternative was scary to him.

And so he grew constipated. Not enough that he needed meds, but enough that he was only going once or twice a week. “Hey Abel, want another Twisted Fruit? More grapes? More apple juice?”

So, of course, we grew concerned.

One day after school, Abel reported to me that he had pooped in the toilet. He told me this long story about how he realized he had to go, asked his teacher if he could use the bathroom, chatted with the hall monitor, who summoned the principal after Abel had been in the bathroom a while, and she coached him through the closed door on his wiping technique and acknowledged his success. I couldn’t quite believe it, so I surreptitiously called the school for corroboration. It was true. So we knew he could do it – when he wanted to.

Around this time, Abel had become fascinated with Transformers. We’d received Optimus Prime and Bulkhead as hand-me-downs, and he just loved to play with them, working with his dad to figure out how to convert them back and forth from Autobots to vehicles. So one day Chris took him shopping. They came home with Bumblebee (retail value $59.99).

Chris told Abel that Bumblebee was a gift for him “because he had been doing so well on the potty.” (“Doing so well” was having accidents in behind the closed bathroom door instead of the living room, and at least humoring us every so often with a sit on the toilet “to try.”) The deal was: he could play with the Transformers as long as he continued to have success in the bathroom.

It sorta worked. The frequency of his accidents diminished, but he was still pooping in his pants more often than not. We reminded him of the deal we had made. He didn’t want his Transformers to go into Time Out . . . did he? We felt a little uneasy about this arrangement – we were really resorting to this kind of coercion? We were. Sigh . . . But we were seeing signs of improvement . . . and we didn’t know what else to do.

So, employing some kind of bizarre reverse psychology, Chris took Abel shopping again for two more Transformers. It was Seaspray this time (retail value: $24.99) and Starscream ($49.99). He said, "I know you can do this."

Things were looking up. We could tell Abel was trying, and even though he was still averaging less than 50% success, we didn’t put the Transformers away. Until the week when he started refusing to use the toilet again. When asked why, Abel said “I just don’t want to go poop on the potty.” It’s not that it hurt, he said, or that it was smelly or . . . He just. Didn’t. Want. To.

We reminded him of the deal we had made. And then we put the Transformers in Time Out.

Oh yes we did.

And of course we felt horrible about it – of course we did. We second-guessed ourselves. We agonized over the decision. But we held our ground.

Abel cried . . . for approximately 3 minutes . . . and then accepted the consequences and played with his other toys. But he asked about the Transformers hourly, and we reminded him of our deal.

The very next day Abel went poop on the potty. And so he got his Transformers back, with the condition that they would return to Time Out if he had another accident. He lasted a few days, had another accident, lost his Transformers privileges, cried for approximately 1 minute, and then went another 2 days before earning them back with another successful trip to the bathroom.

I think the Transformers went back into Time Out only one more time after that.

It’s been over a month now, with no accidents.

In the meantime, Santa, as well as his Abel’s uncles, brought several new Transformers to the house over the holidays, mostly Decepticons (average retail value: $29.99). I found a DinoBot on clearance at Marshall’s ($10.00) and surprised Abel with it when I picked him up from school, the first week of the new year.

New toys notwithstanding, Abel seems to “own” using the toilet at this point. He wants to do it. He doesn’t want to have any accidents. He doesn’t ask for any sort of reward when he does it – it’s just “what he does” now. It was a long, hard road for him, a major challenge to conquer. We can tell he is proud. And of course we are too.

So yeah, our house is teeming with Transformers now (total cost so far: about $235 plus tax), but Abel has learned to transform many of them on his own, and he continues to play with them day and night. It’s not the worst toy a boy could have. (He didn’t find more wholesome toys attractive enough for this scenario).

And what have I learned? Everyone has an opinion on what will work for potty training. Different things work for different kids. What ended up being the most important factor for us was Abel wanting to be toilet trained. Once he wanted to do it, he was successful. And that’s that.

Now can I please stop talking about poop?

The Pay It Forward Parents Club

2011-01-04T19:20:00.000-05:00

Baby Abel in hand-me-down exersaucer. Photo © Chris Bernstein

When I was pregnant with my son -- who is the only grandchild on my side of the family as well as one of the youngest of the offspring among my social circle – one of my friends asked me, “Is there anything you need? We are getting rid of our baby stuff.” Her youngest was two. She gave me, among other things, a changing table, a jogging stroller, two big bins of boy clothes, a breast pump, books, toys and assorted small items.

I was incredulous. “Are you sure you don’t want to put all this on Craigslist?

“No, I just want to pass it along to another mother. One day you’ll do the same.”

I was touched and delighted by her generosity. Several other friends made similar gestures, so by the time our baby shower came along, we already had half the stuff on our list.

As my son grew, I set aside all of his gear and hand-me-downs with the hopes that my sister would also be a parent someday (no pressure, Marnie!). But in the past year (Abel is now four), the mountain of stuff had grown out of control . . . not just in our own storage area, but my parents’ as well. We’re talking 14 bins of clothes and books, plus exersaucers, bouncy seats, potty chairs, etc. Crazy amounts of stuff. Something had to be done.

My sister very graciously offered to sort through the clothing and select the things she thought she might actually use for her hypothetical future children. Those were set aside, along the gear that would stand the test of time. But still that left us with about 8 bins.

So I went on a giving binge.

I accosted other mothers at preschool. “Do you need any clothes for your little boy? Can I give you a big bag hand me downs?”

I brought four huge boxes of books to the library, where donations are resold at semi-annual sales. Then I went back with another bin full of toddler toys for their playgroup.

I brought additional bags of clothes and toys to Sowing Seeds, the local clothing bank.

And then I listed the rest on Freecycle.

In a matter of days it was all gone, and I felt great. Better still, I’d made several other mothers, not to mention a few charities, pretty happy.

Over the years, I’ve become a hub of sorts for hand-me-downs. One friend will give me a bag of her 7-year-old daughter’s castoffs, and I’ll pass it along to a different friend for her six-year-old. Someone else will ask, “Do you know anyone who needs baby gear?” and after a few emails, I’ll be dropping off a carload of stuff to a mom who thought she was done after #3, got rid of all her baby stuff, and then had an “oops” a year later. Those mothers are especially grateful. It really sucks to get rid of all your gear and then have to acquire it from scratch all over again.

So I’ve started to call this system my Pay It Forward Parent Club. There are numerous benefits. First, we’re reducing, reusing and recycling, which is good for the earth! Second, we’re helping families all over town to save hundreds of dollars – everything is given for free. Third, we’re providing a simple, guilt-free way to pass along the stuff we’re done with – no stressing over the bags full of clothes clogging up your basement: just give it to me and I’ll find a new home for it. And it makes EVERYONE involved feel good. Especially me, because it addition to making other families happy, I get some really nice hand-me-downs for Abel.

Available this week: red metal tricyle, Melissa & Doug toddler piano, toddler leash (blue).

Nearly every toy in this picture was acquired via the Pay It Forward system, or (later) distributed by it. Piano is currently available -- just ask! Photo © Chris Bernstein.

Bully

2010-11-22T22:38:00.000-05:00

About a third of the way through Eighth Grade, a fellow honor student and I began dating. Somehow, by the end of the school year, together we had swerved abruptly from the geek track to Being Popular. I was thirteen. I felt pretty damn special.

But then two weeks into summer vacation I contracted mononucleosis. My doctor prescribed a month -- at least – of rest, and “no contact sports.” Meanwhile my boyfriend developed an interest in an older girl whom he’d met at soccer camp. By August the swelling in my glands had finally subsided, but I’d also been dumped. At least by then we had cable and I could watch the entirety of Live Aid on MTv.

Then I started high school. In an attempt to uphold the ultra cool social standing I’d attained at the end of junior high, I tailored my freshman academic schedule carefully, cutting out anything that could be perceived as dorky. Band? Forget it. Honors English? Why bother? But I did sign up for Home Ec. I’m not sure how that figured into the equation.

I also adjusted my wardrobe, with an eye toward the edgy. Lacking an independent sense of fashion, I modeled my outfits after those of the girls whom I perceived to be the pinnacle of cool . . . plus a hefty dose of Molly Ringwald in Pretty In Pink. My goal, more than anything else, was to appear different. I wore flea market jewelry and crafted earrings out of paper clips and miniature plastic cans of fruit cocktail. I wore my hair long on one side but short and spiky on the other. I thought it worked. But maybe not.

The bid for extended popularity definitely did not work. While my ex-boyfriend had maintained his new social status, I had not. I found myself back on the low end of the totem pole. Since I'd changed my academic schedule, I didn't see my classmates from the previous year as much, and I didn't know many of the people who were in my classes. Over time, I made some new friends -- many of whom I'm still close with today. But it was a lonely year.

Almost immediately, my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend and two of her friends began tormenting me in the manner in which many teenage girls seem to excel. They never hit me, or threatened me, or called me stupid. They just gave me dirty looks and made fun of my clothes, my hair, my make-up. Every day. They made a habit of walking by my locker in the morning before classes began, making it clear what they thought of me. I pretended it didn’t bother me, but of course it did.

I can’t remember how long this persisted – perhaps the entire year – but eventually that girlfriend got dumped too and the bullying stopped. After that, for the remaining two years that we were in school together, the girls and I just avoided making eye contact with each other.

It doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, yet even today, when I see any of those girls, I feel thirteen, dorky, and small. As is the case in a small town like Marshfield, I still encounter each of them with some regularity – one at the gym, one at the playground, one at the grocery store. Nothing ever happens – I smile, act nonchalant, remember that I am now three times older than I was back then. And most of the time, they don’t even acknowledge me. I feel a bit defensive, thinking, “you can’t mess with me like that anymore” – but there’s also a kernel of fear, “so please just don’t, okay?” Old wounds don’t heal very easily.

Okay, okay, poor me, right? But here’s the ugly side of the story. I was a bully too. I want to believe it was that same year, I want to classify it as a reaction to the way I’d been treated -- but it wasn’t. It happened the previous year, when I was flying high in the popular crowd. I had no accomplices, and for no apparent reason, I singled out a couple younger girls and acted like I hated them. Gave them dirty looks, made fun of their clothes and hair and so on. Admitting this, I feel so ashamed. (J. and E., I am so sorry!)

So what’s the point of all this? As adults, as parents, as now-recovered teenagers, it’s our job to explain to our kids why bullying sucks. How the things we do to make ourselves feel cool and special and better than the others are only okay if they don’t intentionally hurt someone else. How the things we do, alone or with help from friends, to make others feel small are not only unacceptable, but dangerous; potentially lethal. Think Tyler Clementi, Phoebe Prince.

We don’t get on the school bus with our kids, we don’t walk the corridors with them. We don’t go around monitoring their every conversation. No matter how hard we listen, there’s so much we won’t hear or see. So we have to start them young, to teach empathy and compassion as soon as they can understand the concepts. And hope (and pray) that -- sooner rather than later -- they get it.

Some Little Things I Want To Remember

2010-11-10T15:42:00.001-05:00

Dear Abel,

Now that you’re four and a half (almost), there isn’t enough space left in your baby book to record all the little things about your youth that I want to remember. But that’s one of the reasons why I have this blog . . .

I hope this account of your typical bedtime routine will delight you as much, later in life, as the routine of it delights me right now.

Before you go to sleep at night, we have the following ritual. First we read three books. You like it best when Daddy joins us to “hear the stories and read the stories.” Dad lies on his belly, on your bed. You like to lie on his back and look over his shoulder while he reads to you. I sit, propped up with pillows, at the head of the bed. When I read, you sit next to me. Either way, you get to see the pictures. Sometimes it takes a LONG time for you to select your books. You never let me read “Crictor” – I think it’s because of the boa constrictor. You love it when dad reads “Fantastic Mr. Fox.”

After we read, Dad goes downstairs, and it’s time for you and I to “Talk About In The Morning.” I outline each of the next seven days, telling you what the highlights will be – going to school, to Babci & Grampa’s house, or on playdates with friends. You always help me say what Fridays will be – “Daddy style in the morning, and Max’s house in the afternoon!” We all love Fridays.

Then, before you can nod off, you like for me to build you a house. Sometimes it’s a dog house, or a snake house, or a hippopotamus house, or even an airplane hangar. . . it changes every time. But it always involves pillows and blankets propped up just-so. Your favorite way to go to sleep is to be completely covered with pillows, with a space left open for breathing. It always helps to have Blankie or Lovey up close to your face – the silky fabric helps you to relax. After you’ve fallen asleep, we clear the pillows off, just in case.

No matter what our day has been like – lots of time together, or not much at all – this bedtime ritual, which usually lasts a little bit more than an hour, guarantees me some quiet time with you. Sometimes I get kisses, hugs and snuggles, and sometimes I don’t. But it’s always one of the favorite parts of my day.

Love,
Mom

Nature Stories for Children

2010-09-29T10:12:00.000-04:00

My son and I spend a lot of time outdoors. I enjoying sharing with him the special places I’ve found in the fields and forests, at the ocean, and along our rivers and streams. I’m not a scientist of any sort, but still I want to teach Abel about nature – the life cycles of plants and creatures, and the importance of caring for the earth. While our explorations may include looking closely at a tree, a bubbling brook or an old stone wall, I rely on story books to teach him nature-related facts and concepts.

There are lots of nature-themed books for young children, however many of them are bogged down with diagrams and technical information. While interesting, they aren’t exactly what you’d define as “a good read.” Still plenty of captivating nature stories for children do exist. What follows is a list of some of our family’s favorites.

Herman and Marguerite: An Earth Story by Jay O’Callahan
Herman the earthworm and Marguerite the caterpillar team up to save a sad and lonely orchard, and discover the importance of believing in themselves and in each other. This wonderful story of friendship and teamwork includes collage drawings by Marshfield native (and author’s daughter) Laura O’Callahan. Field Trip: go apple picking!

Make Way For Ducklings by Robert McCloskey
Learn about the habits of waterfowl while enjoying this enchanting, classic story of a duck family that makes its home first on the Charles River and later in the Boston Public Garden. You’ll never forget the image of Mrs. Mallard and her eight ducklings strutting down the city street, stopping traffic. Field trip: visit the Make Way For Ducklings statue in the Boston Public Garden!

The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle
A caterpillar with a seemingly insatiable appetite eats his way (literally – there are holes in the book!) through some surprising foods, then forms a chrysalis and transforms into a butterfly.

The Tiny Seed by Eric Carle
A tiny seed flies through the air and eventually blooms into a majestic flower. Learn about the seasons and how plants grow and propagate, while enjoying the gorgeous collage paintings for which Carle is known. Field Trip: Visit the Eric Carle Picture Book Museum in Amherst, MA!

The Lorax by Dr. Seuss
Learn the concepts of extinction and exploitation of natural resources while hearing about the plight of the Truffula Trees and the Brown Bar-ba-loots. The Lorax teaches us the importance of saving endangered species as well as the forests, fields and streams they inhabit. Field trip: learn first-hand about ecosystems at the South Shore Natural Science Center’s EcoZone in Norwell!

Blueberries For Sal by Robert McCloskey
“Kuplink, kuplank, kuplunk.” Sal and her mother go blueberry picking and encounter a mother bear and her cub. The story notes the similarities of the two families gathering food and preparing for winter. Field trip: visit a pick-your-own blueberry farm!

Christmas Farm by Mary Lyn Ray
Parker, age 5, and his gray-haired neighbor, Wilma, work together over the span of several years to grow 600+ Christmas trees. As the trees mature, we learn all about how they are grown and the creatures with whom they share the terrain. Field trip: buy your Christmas tree at a family farm this year!

On Meadowview Street by Henry Cole
Caroline and her family move onto Meadowview Street . . . but where is the meadow? Caroline finds a wildflower growing on her lawn and stakes off the area as a wildflower preserve. With her parents support, eventually she turns the whole yard into a sanctuary for birds, bugs and wild plants. Field trip: look for wildflowers on your own lawn . . . and let them grow!

Come Again, Pelican by Don Freeman
On vacation at the beach with his parents, a boy befriends a pelican and learns first-hand about the tides and the habits of seabirds. Field trip: go to the shore and observe the habits of whatever birds you find there!

A Day at the Beach by Mircea Vasiliu
This unassuming, slim paperback is packed with useful information about the creatures and features of the seaside. Families play in the surf and explore the intertidal region, learning about erosion, shellfish, seaweed and much more. Field trip: see what you can find within the wrack line (the trail of seaweed at the high water mark)!

We’re Going On A Bear Hunt by Michael Rosen and Helen Oxenbury
A family sets off on a bear hunt. They make their way through long wavy grass (swishy, swashy; swishy swashy), a deep cold river (splash, splosh; splash, splosh) thick oozy mud (squelch, squerch; squelch, squerch) and more, as they seek the bear in his cave. Then havoc ensues! Field trip not recommended.

Originally published by Gatehouse Media, courtesy of Kezia Bacon-Bernstein and the North and South Rivers Watershed Association (www.nsrwa.org). To browse 13 years of Nature (Human and Otherwise) columns, visit http://keziabaconbernstein.blogspot.com.

Spaghetti and Meatballs

2010-09-22T22:48:00.000-04:00

image ©CDBPhotos

Like many four-year-olds, Abel has a very specific, limited diet. For example, he will eat “squiggle noodles” (rotini) with butter, but not ziti. He likes mac & cheese from a box (Annie’s, and occasionally the orange stuff) but not homemade. He will sometimes eat fake (read: vegetarian) meatballs, but hasn’t touched a real one since he was a year old. Occasionally we see additions to his diet (he now eats “real” hot dogs as well as fake) but they are often coupled with a subtraction somewhere else (he now refuses vanilla soy, a former mainstay).

The other day, out of the blue (although probably it was inspired by Curious George), he asked me to make him spaghetti and meatballs. I’d been trying to get him to eat something – anything – for lunch for the past hour, so I was delighted that he’d finally made a request I could actually fulfill. (No, you may not have a banana split for lunch). Here’s how it went from there.

Mom: Really? You want spaghetti and meatballs?

Abel: Yes.

Mom: Real spaghetti, not squiggle noodles?

Abel: ALL the noodles we have in the house.

Mom: (deciding to use the squiggly spaghetti Abel had picked out at the grocery store a few weeks back). Okay! Do you want sauce on it? Or pesto (his favorite)? Or butter?

Abel: Spaghetti and meatballs, that’s it!

Mom: Not even butter?

Abel: Yes butter.

Mom: Okay, it’s gonna take a little while. I have to cook the spaghetti.

(five minutes later)

Abel: Is it ready yet? (The water has yet to boil).

Mom: Sorry – it takes a while to make spaghetti.

Abel: Can I have more juice?

Mom: Yes, when the spaghetti is ready.

(five minutes later)

Abel: I want my spaghetti and meatballs!

Mom: I’m cooking it.

Abel: Can I have chocolate milk?

Mom: Maybe for dessert. Would you like an apple?

Abel: No. Just spaghetti and meatballs.

(two minutes later)

Abel: I. Want. My. Spaghetti. And. Meatballs.

Mom: Uh-huh.

(two minutes later)

Mom: (carrying a beautiful bowl full of squiggly spaghetti, buttered, salted & lightly peppered, with two vegetarian meatballs on top). Here it is!

Abel: Thanks, mom.

(two minutes and seven bites later)

Abel: Mom!

Mom: Yes?

Abel: I don’t like spaghetti and meatballs. Can I have some yogurt?

Abel's Favorite Books - Age 3

2010-07-30T07:26:00.001-04:00

photos copyright CDB Photos

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs by Judi Barrett
Visit Chewandswallow, a town where the inhabitants don’t grow or buy food. Instead it just falls from the sky. Which works well, for a time . . .

The Berenstain Bears Get In A Fight - Stan & Jan Berenstain
(And many other titles in the series) Abel enjoys the stories and pictures, and I like how each book instills a subtle-enough message about family dynamics, manners, or important things like going to the doctor or the dentist.

The Little House – Virginia Lee Burton
We already loved Virginia Lee Burton’s “Mike Mulligan,” “Choo Choo” and “Katy,” so it made sense to explore some of her other titles. This one’s about a little country house that sees a lot of changes as the country becomes a city around her.

Calico The Wonder Horse – Virginia Lee Burton
Stewy Stinker and his Gang of Bad Men steal the cows of Cactus County, but Calico the Wonder Horse comes to the rescue. A wonderful (but long) western with fantastic artwork.

Casey Jones – Allan Drummond
A rhyming tale of the famed engineer Casey Jones, and his fateful last ride on the Illinois Central #638.

Veronica – Roger Duvoisin
Veronica the hippopotamus is tired of blending in with all her fellow hippos. She wants to be conspicuous! So she goes to the city. This book is about her adventures there. My favorite scene: when she lies down for a rest in a parking lot, among the similarly-sized cars.

The Happy Lion – Louise Fatio/Roger Duvoisin
Everyone loves the happy lion at the zoo in France (Bon jour, happy lion!”) . . . until he leaves his cage to go for a walk in town. He doesn’t understand why everyone’s afraid of him.

The Story About Ping – Marjorie Flack
Ping the duck lives on a wise old boat on the Yang Tse River with his mother and father and brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and cousins. To avoid a reprimand for being the last to board the boat at the end of the day, he embarks on a solo adventure, and almost becomes a “duck dinner.”

Earl The Squirrel – Don Freeman
Oh, Don Freeman, how I love you! Earl’s mother wants him to stop wearing a red knit scarf, to act like a squirrel, and to learn how to gather acorns for the winter. Beautiful woodcuts with red accents.

Norman the Doorman – Don Freeman
Classic Freeman. Norman is a mouse who serves as the doorman in the basement of the art museum. He creates a tiny prize-winning sculpture out of mousetrap parts. A delight.

Come Again Pelican – Don Freeman
A little boy and his family travel to the seashore for vacation. The boy befriends a pelican and learns about the tides. Note to publisher: please reissue this classic story, so I can replace the stinky, mildewed copy that cost me $20 on eBay!

Fly High Fly Low – Don Freeman
Yeah, we’re on a Freeman binge around here. But he’s just so wonderful! This one is about a pair of pigeons who fall in love and roost inside the giant letters of a neon sign. Except the sign is about to be taken down.

Millions of Cats – Wanda Gag
Hundreds of cats, thousands of cats, millions and billions and trillions of cats! Find out what happens when a sweet old man sets out to find a kitten for his sweet old wife.

Christina Katerina & the Box – Patricia Lee Gauch
A favorite from my childhood. Kristina’s mother gets a new fridge, and Kristina gets to keep the box! She turns it into a castle, a clubhouse, a race car, and more. Even her troublemaker friend Fats Watson can’t dampen her spirits.

Everyone Poops – Taro Gomi
A matter of fact book about poop, in its many sources, shapes and sizes, featuring all sorts of animals and their “bathroom” habits. A gentle way to introduce the concept of toileting.

Bread and Jam For Frances – Russell Hoban
Frances is a picky eater. She only wants bread and jam. But soon she tires of it and learns about all the wonderful things she can eat. We love the chant, “Raspberry, strawberry, gooseberry, I’m very, Fond. Of. Jam!”

Swimmy – Leo Lionni
Swimmy’s kin keep getting eaten by the big fish, till Swimmy figures out a way for them to protect themselves. Creative art -- watercolors and fish prints!

Herbert’s Treasure - Alice Low
“Herbert, please Herbert, throw something away!” For the pack rat in all of us. Herbert brings something home from the dump every day and eventually builds himself a castle of sorts.

Blueberries for Sal – Robert McCloskey
“Kuplink, kuplank, kuplunk.” Sal and her mother go blueberry picking in Maine, and encounter a mother/child bear pair doing the same thing.

Make Way for Ducklings – Robert McCloskey
Mr. & Mrs. Mallard are searching for a place to call home, especially after their ducklings are born. Eventually they choose the Boston Public Garden.

I’m Dirty and I’m Mighty – Kate and Jim McMullan
Stories from the perspectives of a bulldozer and a tugboat, detailing everything they do for their jobs. Bright, bold paintings, and an in-your-face delivery makes these a refreshing choice.

Terrific Trains – Tony Mitton and Ant Parker
(And all the other books in the series . . . Flashing Fire Engines, Roaring Rockets, Amazing Airplanes, Tremendous Tractors, et al.) These books are pretty short, and are perfect solutions to the pre-bedtime “one more book” plea. Abel loves learning how various vehicles work. The artwork is colorful and engaging.

If You Give a Moose A Muffin – Laura Joffe Numeroff
My favorite of the “If You Give” series. If you give a moose a muffin, he’ll probably ask for some of your mother’s homemade blackberry jam to put on it, and then . . . “ Find out what happens next . . . and next.

Tulips – Jay O’Callahan
Pierre goes to visit his imposing Grand Ma Mere and her fabulous tulip gardens. Pierre likes to play tricks. Find out what happens when he plays one on his Grand Ma Mere.

Raspberries – Jay O’Callahan
Everything Simon touches falls flat. Then he receives some magical raspberry seeds and he begins to find joy again. Abel loves shouting “Rrrraaaasssspberrriiiiiieeees!”

Buford the Bighorn Sheep – Bill Peet
Buford’s horns are so big that he can no longer climb mountains with his fellow big horn sheep. Evading hunters, he eventually finds an innovative use for his super-big horns!

The Little Red Caboose – Marian Potter (Little Golden Book)
The little red caboose is always an afterthought on the train . . . until it saves the day!

Officer Buckle & Gloria – Peggy Rathmann
Officer Buckle’s Safety Tip speech is a hit in schools everywhere, thanks to the accompaniment of police dog Gloria. The safety tips (Never eat mayonnaise that’s been sitting in the sun) do not fall on deaf ears.

Curious George Takes A Job – H.A. Rey
Along with “Goes to the Hospital,” “Gets A Medal” and numerous others, this was the year for Curious George madness. Boy, that George has a lot of adventures. Abel loves them all.

He’s Your Dog Charlie Brown – Charles M. Schulz
Irascible Snoopy is sent away for a refresher course at obedience school but stops for a visit at Peppermint Patty’s house along the way, and soon wears out his welcome.

And to Think That I Saw it on Mulberry Street – Dr. Seuss
Marco’s dad wants to hear what happened on the way home from school. Since it was nothing special, Marco dreams up a fabulous story.

Horton Hatches the Egg – Dr. Seuss
Loyal Horton takes over egg sitting duties for a lazy bird, enduring much persecution. Wait’ll you see what hatches from the egg!

Horton Hears a Who – Dr. Seuss
Horton the elephant helps save the tiny Whos of Whoville, and we all learn that “A person’s a person, no matter how small.”

Yertle the Turtle – Dr. Seuss
Yertle, king of the pond, stands on the backs of his subjects in an attempt to reach higher than the moon. But then Mack burps, and Yertle falls into the mud. Suffice it to say, we love Dr. Seuss around here.

Spinky Sulks – William Steig
Spinky is in a bad mood, and no one in his family can cure him of it, despite many attempts. By the end, the reader is like, “C’mon, Spinky, don’t be a jerk.” Sulkers come in all ages and sizes. This is a good perspective on why sulking stinks.

The Polar Express – Chris Van Allsburg
Those who believe in Santa can ride on this magical train to the North Pole and meet the man himself. Find out who gets the First Gift of Christmas.

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible no Good, Very Bad Day – Judith Viorst
Poor Alexander is having a very bad day. It’s hard to be a little kid sometimes.

Lyle Lyle Crocodile – Bernard Waber
Ah, Lyle, the indomitable crocodile. How we love him so! Age three was a great year for Lyle in our house. We enjoyed most of the titles in Waber’s Lyle-brary, including The House on East 88th Street, Lyle and the Birthday Party, and plenty more.

Oh Say Can You Say Di-No-Saur – Bonnie Worth (A Dr. Seuss book)
A Seuss-inspired introduction to the basic characteristics of a number of dinosaurs, along with a lesson on how to pronounce their names. Tour the Cat in the Hat’s Super Dino Museum and learn how to pronounce things like Archaeopteryx!

Dan Yaccarino’s Mother Goose
I’d purchased a different Mother Goose for Abel when he was a toddler, but he took no interest in it. We love Yaccarino’s “Every Friday,” so we tried this book, and found it delightful. Yaccarino’s jaunty, stylized drawings are a fun contrast to the old-fashioned-ness of Mother Goose. Now Abel has memorized many of the poems.

Harry the Dirty Dog – Gene Zion
Harry the dog doesn’t want a bath, so he runs away from home, and gets very, very dirty . . . and homesick too.

copyright CDB Photos

Band Aids and Couch Cushions

2010-07-01T07:36:00.001-04:00

Last spring, during Abel’s parent-teacher conference at preschool, his teacher reported that he was doing well in all but one of the standard criteria they use to evaluate students. “Like most boys his age,” Mrs. McCarthy explained, “Abel could benefit from developing his fine motor skills.” She suggested Lite Brite, modeling clay, the games Operation and Connect Four, and other fun toys that I immediately added to Abel’s birthday list.

We’ve been enjoying those quite a bit. But this week I discovered an activity for improving Abel’s manual dexterity that seems to trump all the others. At Ocean State Job Lot, I found a box of Curious George band aids (made by Curad) for only $1.25. That afternoon, while riding in the car, I handed it to Abel, so he could look at the pictures on the box. I was surprised when we returned home that he had opened not just the box, but several of the bandages himself. His legs were plastered with Curious George band aids. He kindly pointed out to me the ones that covered actual cuts and scrapes, versus the ones that were just for fun.

I was impressed. Those little paper sleeves the band aids come in aren’t exactly easy to open. But he’d managed to tear into six of them, and peel off the adhesive-protecting paper inside. No, he didn’t really need the band aids, but he sure had fun playing with them! I put the rest of them in the bathroom cabinet, but twice again this week he has sought them out and reapplied them to his legs, arms and feet. They seem to interest him way more than stickers ever have. Now I just have to teach him how to throw the packaging into the recycling bin, instead of all over the floor.

And then there are the couch cushions. This isn’t fine motor skills in action – but it’s equally valuable. Whenever Abel encounters a couch – at home, at my parents’ house, at the homes of friends – he immediately gets to work removing the cushions. In our living room, he often moves them to the doorways, to make road blocks. Or he piles them up into a tall stack and lies down upon it, one of numerous variations of his “Snoopy Dog House.” Or, as seems to be the inclination of most young children, he builds a fort. In this case, any other pillows and blankets within reach – or within his memory (“Mom, can you go get all the pillows and blankets from my room?”) also serve as construction materials. I really enjoy seeing each day’s new cushion creation . . . they are always different.

I found a great article about couch cushion architecture online. Check it out here:

Watching a child learn new skills is one of the most satisfying aspects of parenthood, especially when the learning is done independent of adult influence. This week Abel is experimenting with chairs as hats. I don’t think it’s gonna fly, but I’m intrigued to see what he’ll think of next.

Progress Report

2010-06-07T23:07:00.001-04:00

Abel at Marshfield Famous Pizza last week. Photo copyright Chris Bernstein.

This weekend we retired the frog potty.

(Do I hear cheering? Don't get too excited.)

We've been trying to get Abel to pee in the "big toilet" because the little frog potty we bought for him is really only adequate for sit-down pees (or poops). When you stand up to use it, there's a splash. And I'm really tired of cleaning up puddles of pee.

So he'll use the big toilet now -- he's got a stepstool right beside it -- problem, solved, right? Well, yesterday I found pee in the bathtub. Just enough, I realized, to indicate that he had overshot the toilet while standing on the step stool. Oh dear --where else might I find pee this week?

One of these days I'm going to stop blogging about our poor son's bathroom habits. But until then . . . I am pleased to report that the "Poop on the toilet instead of in your underpants and we'll go to Marshfield Famous for a gumball" tactic is working.

A friend who is also the mother of four potty trained children advised me once that if you potty train your child before age 2.5, you will do it on your own terms. But if you wait till after then, it'll be on the child's terms. This process (begun when Abel was 2.5) has definitely been on Abel's terms. Yes, it's been frustrating for me -- probably for him too. But it's exciting for all of us when we see progress. And indeed, in the past few weeks, we are seeing progress. The "really good" kind that hints that maybe, just maybe, we are nearing the end of this very long journey.

I love, love, love our son!

Anonymous Mom Saves The Day!

2010-05-16T22:47:00.000-04:00

The line for the bathroom at Starbucks was loooooong.

There were only six people in front of us, but they all were taking their time. I’m pretty sure the homeless-looking man, #3 in the queue, was there for a bath – it sure seemed that way after he’d been in the café’s only bathroom for ten minutes.

Abel, my mom and I had ventured into the Big City on Mother’s Day. We rode the T from Braintree, hopped on a shuttle bus at Broadway (they were working on the tunnel and the Red Line was temporarily shut down, downtown), then got back on the T for a couple more stops to Arlington Street. We’d waited in not-too-long a line for the Swan Boats, then checked out the Make Way For Ducklings sculpture. And now we really had to pee.

Grown-ups are pretty good at “holding it,” and waiting for the only bathroom around to be free. Preschoolers who are still potty training . . . not so good at it. When the line for the toilet had apparently stopped moving, Abel whispered to me, “I really really have to go.” Before I could figure out what to do next, the solo mom in line behind us began engaging Abel in conversation.

“Who’s that on your hat? Is that Lightning McQueen?”

“Yes!”

“My son loves Lightning McQueen. But you know who he really loves . . . . Mater!”

Abel was a little reluctant to chat with this stranger. But she seemed nice enough. And he was holding my hand. And she kept talking about all of his favorite things.

“You know who else my son likes,” she continued. “Thomas the Train.”

“Abel loves Thomas!” I chimed in.

“My son likes the blue engines,” she said. “Gordon, Edward, Thomas . . .who else is blue?”

“Mighty & Mac,” said Abel.

While I was trying to think of other blue engines, Abel was continuing his conversation with the nice lady.

“I have Jeremy’s Airfield,” he said. “Santa brought it.”

I glanced ahead of us. The line was growing shorter.

“And I have Cranky The Crane, and Smudger, and Dodge and Splatter . . .

Abel seemed to have forgotten all about his bathroom emergency.

“And I really want Victor. My dad’s going to buy him for me on the computer and Roy the mailman’s going to bring him for my birthday”

Before we knew it, it was our turn to use the bathroom.

“Thank you so much,” I gasped to the woman. “You totally saved us.”

We made it – accident averted! But just as important, I learned a valuable technique. I’ll be sure to pay it forward next time I’m in line with a little kid who isn’t sure he’s gonna make it.

Chris-Daddy's Accident CleanUp Trick

2010-04-20T21:54:00.000-04:00

WARNING: LOTS OF POTTY TALK HERE!

Abel has been making steady strides this week toward being pooped-trained. Hooray, hooray! He is now willing to poop on the potty SOMETIMES.

But I made the mistake of giving him grapes today. And so in addition to his "regular" movement, which was -- thanks to a quick intervention by yours truly -- only half in his pants and then half on the potty, he did a couple of extra poops. In his pants.

Over the past 14+ months of potty training, Abel has developed a classification system for his poops. There are rock poops, which are nuggets. I like these best, as they are easy to clean up. Then there is beach poop, which is like very thick mud. Not too bad. And then there is soup poop, for which -- as Abel says -- you might need a spoon. Gross.

Well today's extras were all soup poops.

Which brings me to the point of all this exposition.

Chris, my husband, rarely has the honor of cleaning up Abel's accidents. Abel prefers that "Mommy do it." But sometimes Mommy is not home. And thus, after a previous incident involving grapes or some other dietary or viral culprit, Chris devised the following method. It only works if your toilet, like ours, is right next to your shower -- and if your shower has a removable head, on a hose.

1. Remove the underpants and drape them on the side of the toilet bowl.
2. Clean your child's bottom.
3. Flush the soiled toilet paper if possible.
4. Turn the water on in your tub.
5. Hold the shower nozzle in one hand, over the toilet.
6. Turn the shower on.
7. Hold the underpants in one hand and the nozzle in the other.
8. Spray the underpants until clean-ish.

I love this method because I don't want to rinse poopy underpants in my bathtub or sink, nor do I want to toss them directly into the washing machine. Nor do I want to throw them away (although I've done that a few times!) This way, I'm rinsing the poop off into the proper receptacle.

Who knew the toilet could be so versatile?

Thanks, dear!

Abel's Tall Tale

2010-04-01T21:42:00.000-04:00

(Photo copyright Chris Bernstein)

The other day, when he had finished his babysitting shift, my dad mentioned to me that Abel had told him a story while they were hanging out together. It was a story about my husband, when he was a child . . . . and I had never heard it before. I love the idea of Chris sharing “When I Was A Kid” stories with Abel, and so I asked Abel if he could tell it again, to me.

Abel said, “When daddy was little, he didn’t have his life jacket on, and he dropped his goggles in the pool. He tried to get them, but he couldn’t swim. Gramma Mary and Grampa Lou tried to use a shovel to help him get out of the pool, but it wasn’t long enough. So they had to use the shovel AND a rope.”

Abel knows a bit about pool safety. Last summer, when he had just turned three, he decided that he was ready for the “big” (in-ground) pool at my parents’ house, rather than the little plastic wading pool he had preferred up till then. For the most part, we insisted that he wear a life jacket in the pool (he was averse to swimmies). Thanks to my mom’s ever-flowing encouragement, he quickly took to the water. By the end of the summer, he was delightedly kicking his way into the deep end and all the way around the perimeter of the pool. Even in the middle of winter this year, Abel was looking forward to summer’s arrival and the re-opening of the pool.

Although Chris grew up in the city, and did not have much access to swimming pools, Abel’s story could very easily have been true. Chris himself contends that he has never been a strong swimmer. But I’d never heard this story before, and I was a little bit suspicious. So when we got home that day, I asked Abel to tell it again, to daddy. He was reluctant. So I coached him a little.

“When daddy was little . . . “

Silence from Abel.

“He didn’t have his life jacket on . . . “

More silence.

“And he fell in a pool . . .”

Not a peep.

“And Gramma Mary and Grampa Lou had to use a shovel and a rope to get him out.”

Abel was having none of this.

Chris laughs. “I’ve never heard that story before. And I’ve certainly never told it.”

Abel had just made it up.

I love that my son, who will be four next month, makes up stories like these – that he is imaginative enough to create his own believeable tales. On the other hand, I wonder what’s in store for the future.

Abel and I have a ritual on school days. I walk him into the classroom, and before I leave, we visit the bathroom together. He pees, he washes and dries his hands, and then he’s ready to concentrate on his morning at preschool.

Today (April 1), as we entered the school, I told Abel about April Fool’s Day, and warned him that if someone told him something that didn’t sound true (such as “we will be having ice cream for lunch today”) that he or she might be playing an April Fool’s Day trick. To demonstrate, Mrs. McCarthy, Abel’s teacher said to him “Look Abel, it’s snowing outside!” (It was in fact fifty degrees and sunny). Then she sing-songed, “April Fool’s!”

Abel was getting excited about the trucks in the sand table, so I reminded him that we should visit the restroom first. “I can do it myself, mom” he replied, and sprinted off to the bathroom. This was a first. “He goes by himself now, during class,” Mrs. McCarthy told me. “All the kids do.”

As we stood there being proud of Abel and his c;lassmates, Abel came back out, and headed straight for the trucks. “Did you wash your hands?” Mrs. McCarthy asked.

“Yes!” said Abel. “Bye, mom!”

I gave him a kiss and a hug and was on my way.

Later in the day, while we were driving in the car, the subject of April Fool’s Day came up again. Abel was gazing out the window, chanting “Happy fools! Happy fools!”

“Did anyone try to play an April Fool’s Day trick on you today?” I asked.

“No, mom.”

“Abel, did you REALLY wash your hands when you went to the bathroom this morning.”

“I did, mom.”

“Oh, good,” I said. “I knew you were excited to play with the trucks.”

“But mom,” Abel said, the corners of his mouth beginning to turn up. “I DIDN’T go pee. . . “

“You DIDN’T?”

“Nope. I really didn’t. Happy fools!”

Toilet Sitting

2010-03-03T19:33:00.000-05:00

Abel and I have this deal: if he’ll sit on the toilet for 2 minutes, I will give him a treat. He’s been pee-trained for months, but we just can’t get him to poop anywhere but in his pants. So those 2 minutes, even if they produce nothing, are worthy of a treat – a Hershey’s kiss or two mini marshmallows.

Abel loves the digital timer I bought just for this purpose. Sometimes he even asks me to set it for five minutes, instead of two – which of course, I consent to. Trouble is, he only wants to do the toilet sit about once a week. I suspect he wants to do it only when he’s craving something sweet.

We’re at the point of toilet training where we’ve tried pretty much everything (major bribery, force, the influence of friends and elders, copious quantities of dreid fruit) and have arrived at the conclusion that Abel, who will be 4 in a couple months, is in charge here and that he will simply change his mind one day and do it.

When. He. Wants. To.

Until then, I’ve horrified myself with entreaties (after days with a son with a tummy ache due to constipation) such as “Go ahead and go in your underpants, sweetie – I just want the poop to come out of your bum!”

So last week, while I was distracted with cooking dinner, Abel asked if he could do some toilet sitting.

"Of course."

I heard the bathroom door open, heard the toilet ring land on the toilet seat, heard the timer turn on. And two minutes later it went off and Abel came into the kitchen and asked for his treat. Which I gave him. And he ate it. And then he promptly confessed that he hadn’t sat on the toilet at all, but rather in his father’s big chair. Fully clothed. With no yield.

So tonight, we have just finished eating dinner and Abel announces that he’d like to do the toilet sit. I oblige. He leaves the room, gets the timer, waits a little while, and then calls to me to say that he is ready for his treat. I am about to argue that it hasn’t been two minutes, when I notice that the voice I am responding to does not sound as if it is coming from the bathroom. Abel is attempting to fool me again. Indeed he is sitting in the big chair.

I tell him I won’t fall for it. He thinks I will. He spends the next 15 minutes arguing that he is entitled to a treat, because he sat in daddy’s chair with the timer, expecting that somehow I will change my mind. I will not.

Earlier today, my mother got Abel to sit on the toilet and listen to the story about the last day his mommy popped in her pants. It was in the backyard, and my friends Jennifer and Michael Smith had come over to play. I went over to my favorite pants-filling tree and did my duty. They laughed at me. “Only babies poop in their pants!” And that was it.

Abel listened thoughtfully to the story, announced that he was done with the toilet sitting, and went back to playing with his toys. A few hours later . . . he went to his favorite corner at my parents’ house and filled his pants. While I was cleaning him up he told me that he’d thought it over and he does plan to poop on the toilet. When he is four.

Mischief

2010-02-06T16:04:00.001-05:00

The other afternoon Abel asked me to make him a cup of tea. So I did – the way I always do: half cold water, half hot water, a gingerbread spice tea bag and a little spoonful of honey. When I brought it to him, in the next room, he thanked me and promptly asked for a snack to go with it.

I went back to the kitchen to spread some peanut butter on crackers, and when I returned, both the floor and the coffee table were covered with tea. The mug, upended, was standing in the middle of the tabletop puddle. The spoon was on the floor. Abel was busily playing with his spaceship toy a few feet away, apparently oblivious.

“Abel, what happened here?” I asked.

“It was by mistake,” was he reply.

At least he helped me clean it up.

*

A couple weeks ago, I returned home after a morning at work to find a tiny wet spot on the top of the refrigerator door. I checked for a cause, but finding nothing obvious, assumed that someone had left the freezer door ajar. I made sure the freezer was shut tight, and went on with my day.

We went out for the afternoon, and while making dinner that night, I found another wet spot, in the same place.

“Now that’s weird,” I thought to myself. But then I got distracted and forgot all about it.

That night, when Chris came to bed, he (uncharacteristically) woke me up to tell me he’d discovered something strange in the kitchen. (Oh, that’s right . . . .)

“The popsicles were kind soft in the freezer,” he said, “So I checked the temperature control. Someone had turned it all the way down.”

“Aha!” I briefly explained what I’d encountered earlier in the day.

Chris had dialed the freezer back to its regular setting, so I went back to sleep, relieved that the problem had been solved.

The next morning, I woke up to find an even larger wet spot than before. And when I reached for my yogurt, in the fridge, it was practically at room temperature.

“Maybe Chris turned the wrong dial,” I thought. So I checked. The freezer was indeed on its correct setting. But the fridge had been turned all the way down . . . to OFF. And when the fridge is turned off, the entire unit is turned off. It had been that way for about 20 hours at that point. We hadn’t noticed because the light in the fridge was still on.

When Abel woke up, I told him I was very upset because someone had been messing with the dials in the refrigerator.

“Was it you?” I asked.

“I’m sorry, Mommy. I won’t do it again.”

“Abel, when you turn the fridge off, it means that some of our food gets spoiled and we have to throw it away. That makes mommy sad.”

“My favorite foods?” he asked.

“Maybe,” I said. “I haven’t checked everything, but I know that your popsicles melted.”

He started to cry. I was relieved that at least we had a relatively empty fridge. But you can be sure that when I thumbed the dials back to their correct settings, I put clear tape over them to hold them in place.

*

Abel and I had done a few errands, and were going to make one last stop before going home – at Fedele’s, the chocolate store, to get a special treat for Daddy. We had just shared a treat from the health food store – some raspberry licorice shoelaces that Abel had picked out himself.

“We will only be getting a treat for Daddy here,” I explained as we got out of the car. “Nothing for you and nothing for me, because we just had a treat.”

“Okay Mommy.”

We went into the store and Abel immediately grabbed a $20 box of dark chocolate “tools” – a wrench, a hammer, a screwdriver, etc. that he’d had his eye on, on previous visits.

“Maybe for your birthday,” I remarked, and placed it back on the shelf.

“Okay Mommy.”

“Can you help me pick out some chocolates for Dad?”

We stood at the showcase and I began to tell the clerk what we wanted. Abel was helping me make the selection, but then he was gone. This is a small store – maybe 30 feet from end to end. I headed down the aisle, around the periphery of the store, just in time to find Abel seated on the floor, with an open box in his lap and a mischievous grin on his face. The box contained a dark chocolate hockey puck and a milk chocolate hockey stick (retail value: $8.00) -- and he’d taken a large bite out of the end of the stick.

I had to buy the damn chocolate.

Abel thought he’d gotten away with something until I made it clear that he would not be getting any of the chocolate. I ate it though – I hid it in a cupboard and snacked on it for a week and then some. One of my friends, a seasoned parent with four kids of her own, said I should have eaten right in front of him – with relish.

I guess we won’t be going to the chocolate store together again for a long time.

Ah, mischief. . . .

Oh, Dear.

2010-01-09T23:00:00.000-05:00

Today Abel (who is 3 and a half) asked me, "Where are your boobs?"

"Right here," I said, pointing to them.

"Can I play with them?" he asked. "Like bongos (the drums)?"

"Uh . . . no."

Not too much later he asked, "Why don't mommies have a penis?"

"Mommies and girls are different from daddies and boys. They don't have penises," I replied. "They have vulvas."

"How do they go pee?" he asked.

I didn't even know what to say. Anatomy terms filled my brain . . . but I could think of nothing in the way of a preschool-apt explanation. Luckily something distracted him and we were on to a new topic.

But the day got even more interesting from there. A little while later Abel's closest female friends, ages 2 and 5, came over to visit, along with their mom. The kids were happily wreaking havoc in the livingroom/playroom, and then proceeded upstairs to jump on Abel's bed. But then things got quiet . . . too quiet.

Before the other mom and I were even halfway up the stairs, the older girl tiptoed down and said, "They're taking off their clothes."

Sure enough, Abel and the younger girl were naked, and tucked into my bed, side by side. "We're playing 'Be Naked In Mommy and Daddy's Bed,'" Abel explained, "just like Daddy when he goes to sleep." Uh-huh.

Kids that age don't lie still for long. In a blink, they were jumping on my bed, and the older girl had stripped as well. We let them goof around for a few minutes, but then managed to get them dressed quickly enough. All we had to do was offer cake.

Obviously Abel and his friends are curious about body parts and nudity and why girls are different from boys. I know it's normal. I know it's natural. But aaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhh! I don't know how to deal with it! I mean, is it time to have the "bodies are private and we don't get naked with our friends" talk, or should I chill out and let him investigate and explore for a while. I don't want to instill shame. But I also don't want to be the mom whom others gossip about because "her son keeps taking off his clothes."

Abel Answers Facebook's 50 Questions

2010-01-04T16:06:00.000-05:00

Photo copyright Chris Bernstein.

Name: Abel Bernstein
Age: 3 and a half

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No. Especially not the Abel of Cain & Abel.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Yesterday when my mom took away my favorite toy, after her repeated requests of me to clean up the Goldfish crackers I had spilled – and trampled – all over the dining room floor.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes. Especially the handwriting on the back of daddy’s recliner that I did with a black Sharpie.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
I don’t like lunch meat. I don’t like sandwiches either.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
I would like a baby brother or sister but my mom says, “No way.”

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Of course! I’m very friendly.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
I’m learning, but no, not yet.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes. I still have all my baby teeth too.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No. Too scary. Did you know that Mommy’s friend Bill has jumped out of an airplane? But he told me that I shouldn’t do it.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Either Trader Joe Os or Annie’s Fruity Bunnies. With milk and dried blueberries.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
My shoes don’t have ties. But the answer is still no – I don’t un-Velcro them when I take them off, because it takes too much time. It’s much easier to kick or pry them off.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
I haven’t tried all the flavors yet. So far, I like all of the ones I’ve tried, especially the cotton candy kind at Dairy Twist. With chocolate AND rainbow sprinkles, please.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
If they have brought a cookie for me.

15. RED OR PINK?
Red.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I don’t like poop. I wish my mom would stop nagging me about doing it on the toilet instead of in my underwear.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My grabber. It’s a toy that my dad took away from me after I tried to impale him with it.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
I thought we were just having a conversation.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Navy sweatpants. No shoes or socks.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Bob the Builder on TV. And dad chuckling to himself about his amusing Facebook photo captions.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Red. Red is my favorite color.

23. FAVORITE SMELL?
Cookies straight from the oven. Sometimes I grab them off the cooling rack when no one is looking and hide them under my bed.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Dad’s friend Ellie. Except I refused to actually speak to her.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Yes, I am entirely devoted to my mommy, except when she wants to cut my nails.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Wii. Especially when Tantie and Babci try to play Wii Boxing.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Blond.

28. EYE COLOR?
Blue.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No. But I’m destined to have crappy vision, like my parents and grandparents.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Vanilla soy.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy endings. I refuse to watch any DVD that has a scary-looking character on its cover, even if the movie itself is not scary.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Wallace & Grommit in The Wrong Trousers.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Blue, with a red monster truck on it, and a long sleeved navy t-shirt underneath. A hand-me-down from Graham.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
I’m pretty happy with all the seasons.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Kisses and hugs and snuggles and if I really like you I will jump on you while you are sleeping.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Cake.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Most people respond to me heartily because I’m so damn cute and articulate.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
But some people just ignore me. I can’t figure out why.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Bread and Jam for Frances. I love the jam chant. “Raspberry, Strawberry, Gooseberry, I’m very, fond . . . of . . . jam!”

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I don’t have my own computer yet. But sometimes I pretend to check my email on my electronic letter & number game.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Dragon Tales and Fireman Sam.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S)?
When my mommy says, “Yes, you can have chocolate milk . . . or a cookie, or a piece of candy.”

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles. I especially like “All Together Now.”

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Waterbury, Vermont. The Ben & Jerry’s factory. But I was only 4 months old, so I don’t remember it.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Many. I can sing lots of songs. My favorite right now is “Jingle Bell Rock.”

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
South Shore Hospital, Weymouth, Massachusetts. Just like my mom.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
I really enjoy having conversations with my family and friends. I like to talk about trucks and trains and tools and the moon and stars.

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
I’m not ready to settle down.

49. IS THE CUP HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY?
Half full, unless I’m overtired or hungry.

50. IF YOU COULD SIT DOWN TO DINNER WITH FIVE PEOPLE WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
Bert from Mary Poppins
The Man With The Yellow Hat
Fireman Sam
Cookie Monster
Santa Claus

Preschool and Other Trauma

2009-12-02T21:32:00.000-05:00

We seem to have survived the transition into preschool. The first month was traumatic. Abel would cry and cling to me when I tried to leave him at school. So after the first week or so, Chris took over the drop-offs. That worked better. And just as everyone said, by the end of the first month Abel had decided that he loved school. Now every morning he asks me if it’s a school day, and if it isn’t, he’s disappointed.

Next hurdle: potty training. (We’re already in Month Nine of that). Stay tuned.

In the meantime, some short subjects.

THE AMBULANCE:

In the car last month, Abel and I saw an ambulance drive by, lights flashing.

Abel: (deadpan). “Somebody died.”

Mom: (Silent -- How do you even respond to that?)

We’ve now had this same conversation several times. I try to explain that going to the hospital doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re dying or dead. I think he’s finally starting to believe me.

THE HOT WATER BOTTLE:

Generally administered in our house for stomach aches.

Abel: “Can I have a hot water bottle?”

Mom: ‘Yes.”

Abel: “Because my feelings are hurt.”

CHOCOLATE MILK:

Only served as a special treat, and only after lunch, or otherwise before 3 PM.

Abel: “I want chocolate milk.”

Mom: “I’m sorry, you can’t have chocolate milk at this time of day. Would you like vanilla soy instead?”

Abel: “No. Chocolate milk is medicine. I’m not feeling well. I need medicine.”

SANTA:

Abel: “I don’t want anything for Christmas.”

Mom: “Why not?

Abel: “I don’t want Santa to watch me because sometimes I’m fresh.”

Mom: “But most of the time you’re a good boy.”

Abel: “Okay, I want Dodge and Splatter (two obscure trains from Thomas & Friends). But nothing else.

Singing in the Car

2009-11-01T21:58:00.000-05:00

Abel and I reached a milestone this week. I hoped it would come someday, but I had no idea when it might arrive. Then all of a sudden, there it was.

Keri, my oldest and dearest friend, was the first in my circle to have kids. Her son Matthew is 14 now. Back when he was in preschool (like Abel, and Keri’s twins, are now), the three of us used to spend a lot of time together. One day, we were riding in Keri’s car and the song “All Star” by Smash Mouth came on the radio. Keri and Matt gave each other knowing glances and then sang along. They had certain gestures that went with the lyrics too, especially for the lines

She was looking kinda dumb
With her finger and her thumb
In the shape of an L
On her forehead

I remember thinking, “Wow that’s so cool,” – the casual, playful, but also meaningful, connection they had made through music.

Whenever I hear “All Star,” I think of that moment – I usually get a little bit choked up too. (Oh dear, I’m getting sentimental.)

The other day Abel and I were driving home from a playdate. I asked him what song he wanted to hear, and he said, “Born To Be Wild,” – the Steppenwolf classic that has been on his Top Ten list since I sang it to him while sitting on his father’s motorcycle in the back yard last spring.

Usually Abel hates it when I sing along with the car stereo. Some days, he won’t even abide me bobbing my head or shrugging my shoulders to the beat. (Am I embarrassing him already?) But this time, as the first chords of the song thundered out of my Subaru’s aging sound system, he said, “Sing, Mommy!”

“You want me to sing?”

“Yes!”

“Okay!”

I know all the words, of course. And so does he.

We got through the first verse, and I paused to catch my breath.”

“Why you not singing, Mommy?”

So together, we sang the chorus.

It cracks me up to hear him, in his lisping little boy voice, shouting out:

Yeah darlin’ go make it happen
Take the world in a love embrace
Fire all of the guns at once and
Explode into space.

It also brings tears to my eyes. Because we’re there. We’ve reached that milestone. We’re singing along to the car stereo together, both enjoying it.

The icing on the cake: guess what he wanted to hear next? “All Star.”

Favorite Books: Age 2

2009-10-01T10:58:00.000-04:00

Chicka Chicka Boom Boom by Bill Martin Jr. and John Archambault – This book is so fun to read! It has a very specific rhythm, and once you find it, you can’t help but groove to it. “Skit skat skoodle-doot. Flip, flop flee.” In the meantime, you get to learn what your ABCs look like and sound like.

Richard Scarry’s Best Word Book Ever and Richard Scarry’s Hop Aboard Here We Go – As far as sitting down with your child and reading, these books can be tedious. But they’re great when your kid wants to sit and page through a book by himself, or when he wants to learn some new words. Large format and very colorful, these books are ideal for bringing to a restaurant on waiting room to help pass the time.

The Alphabet Room by Sara Pinto – Each letter appears on its own page with a corresponding object and joins other letters in the alphabet room. The paintings are beautiful and it’s fun to try to keep track of all the objects, as the shift position with each page.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle – The caterpillar eats his way through the week and gets a stomachache on Saturday when he eats too much junk food. Soon he becomes a butterfly. Classic Carle collage art and opportunities to learn the days of the week, the life cycle of a caterpillar, and what are good and not so good ways to nourish oneself.

Truck by Donald Crews – No words in this one, just pictures. You follow a big truck from the tricycle factory, out of the city, over the bridge, down the highway, etc. You can make up your own story or just look at the pictures.

Down on the Farm with Grover by Ray Sipherd – This is part of the extensive Sesame Street Library. We’ve picked up books from that collection at yard sales and library sales. Some of them are great and some are not. Abel really liked this one, in which Grover is put in charge of his uncle’s farm for the weekend. Havoc ensues (I especially enjoy the picture of him trying to feed the animals spaghetti, hamburger and milkshakes instead of boring old hay).

The House That Jill Built by Phyllis Root and Delphine Durand – Got this one at a remainder sale. It’s a lift-the flap book, and the flaps are tiny at times, so you’d probably have to help your young child with them (at three, Abel can open most of them). The story, as such, is based on Mother Goose’s nursery rhymes and other classics. Jill builds a house for herself and her cat, but the animals from Mother Goose keep asking to live there too, so she keeps adding rooms. With each new page, the animals (three blind mice, little bo beep) move to a new location in the house. This is another great book for restaurants and even in the car, because it keeps the child occupied – since there is a lot going on on each page.

Corduroy by Don Freeman – My sister had this book when we were kids, but I think it arrived on the scene too late for me to appreciate it. But, oh, how I love it now. It’s a simple story about a (stuffed animal) bear in green overalls with a missing button, which sits on the shelf of a department store day after day, because no one wants to buy a bear with a button missing on his overalls. But a girl named Lisa takes a liking to him and eventually brings him home. In the meantime, Corduroy has a grand adventure one night in the store, trying to find his button. Such a sweet story.

I Stink by Kate & Jim McMullan – The gruff (or perhaps just to-the-point) story of a garbage truck as he makes his daily rounds. Includes an alphabet of yucky things one might find in a garbage truck (zipped up ziti with zucchini, anyone?).

Baby Danced the Polka by Karen Beaumont – Sweet rhyming story of a baby on the farm who won’t take a nap, and instead wants to, among other things “dance the polka with the polka dotted pig.” Momma and Papa are increasingly exasperated, but in the end they all have a dance party and then the baby goes to sleep. Fun!

Railway Rhymes by R. Schuyler Hooke – A large format board book featuring Thomas the Train and his friends on the Island of Sodor. Poems of different lengths about each train – some are stories, some simple description (Our favorite: The Breakdown train, It has no name, . . . “). This is a great book for the car – Abel loves to look at the pictures.

Caps for Sale by Esphyr Slobodkina – A man who sells caps has a slow day and takes a nap under a tree. While he’s asleep, monkeys steal his caps. He wakes, and tried to get his caps back. The monkeys imitate his every move. Funny.

Everywhere the Cow Says Moo by Ellen Slusky Weinstein – Different animals make different sounds in different countries . . . but everywhere the cow says “moo.” You’ve probably wondered what sound a frog makes in Japan – now you can find out!

Green Eggs & Ham by Dr. Seuss – The classic book about Sam I Am trying to get his friend to eat some green eggs and ham. Seuss’s typical rhyming phrases and wacky storyline make it fun. And the lesson at the end – to try a food even if you think you won’t like it, because maybe you will, is certainly relevant to toddlers.

The Construction Alphabet Book by Jerry Pallotta & Rob Bolster – Ah, construction trucks . . . And endless source of amusement for Abel, as each page includes a painting of a construction vehicle, along with a description of what it does, and sometimes what it sounds like. Chris and I learned a lot about construction and roadwork vehicles while reading this to Abel. Have you ever heard of a horizontal borer, or a vactor? See, you might learn something too!

The Sneetches & other Stories by Dr. Seuss – Through the story of the star-bellied and plain-bellied Sneetches, we learn why discrimination is wrong. Plus, there’s the Zax, which teaches why it’s silly to be stubborn, and Too Many Daves, which is just plain funny. And more. Fun Seuss stuff!

Curious George by H. A. Rey – The classic story about a curious little monkey and his friend, The Man with the Yellow Hat. This one starts out on the dubious side, with The Man capturing George in the jungle and bringing him across the ocean so he can live in a zoo. But then fun adventures ensue. The other books in the George series are a little bit lighter, and always involve George learning some kind of lesson. We especially like Curious George Goes To A Chocolate Factory, where we pretend to eat the chocolates. Watch out for Curious George Flies a Kite, though, which is unusually long and convoluted.

The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper – This classic story is kind of annoying to read because it’s repetitive, but not in a good way. But alas, we persevere because Abel likes anything that has to do with trains, and the lessons about being a good helper are a nice touch. And it’s clever how spinach is included among the treats the train is carrying for the little boys and girls on the other side of the mountain.

Every Friday by Dan Yaccarino – This book is a sweet coincidence in that the story is a page out of our family life. I love Yaccarino’s modern-retro illustrations. In this case, they depict a Friday morning ritual similar to that of Chris and Abel – going out to breakfast and having “daddy time” before daddy goes to work.

Mike Mulligan & his Steam Shovel by Virginia Lee Burton – What’s not to like about Mike Mulligan and his trusty steam shovel, Mary Ann? They travel the world until steam shovels become obsolete, and then race against time to dig a cellar for the new town hall, make new friends, and find a new home for themselves in the process. Burton’s illustrations are wonderful and timeless. This book was a doorway for us to all of Burton’s other books.

Choo-Choo by Virginia Lee Burton – This one is about a train that runs away and eventually gets found. If your kid loves trains the way mine does, that’s all the storyline you need. But there’s more to it than that – the pen & ink drawings, the lovable characters, the happy ending (of course).

Katy and the Big Snow by Virginia Lee Burton – Yes, another transportation-related book from Burton. This one is about a snowplow that saves the town from all sorts of calamity when there’s a really big snowstorm. The color illustrations are delightful. We especially enjoy the little pictures that border the larger ones – showing different kinds of municipal roadwork vehicles.

The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein – The classic story of a boy and his beloved tree. The boy grows older and needs the tree for different things. The tree grows lonely as the boy needs less and less from her. Parent and child? Hmmm . . . It’s kind of a melancholy story but we love it just the same.

Penguin by Polly Dunbar – This relatively new title is a delight for the eyes and a little dark and quirky as far as the story goes. Ben receives the gift of a penguin that doesn’t say a word. He tries to get the penguin to speak. I don’t want to spoil the ending for you – it’s pretty clever. Parents, preview this one before reading it with your child, to decide whether it might induce bad dreams.

The Story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf – Aw, such a sweet story. Ferdinand the gentle Spanish bull ends up at the bullfight but all he wants to do is smell the flowers. I love the pen and ink drawings, and the fun Latin words like “banderillos” and “picadores.”

This Place in the Snow by Rebecca Bond – We never would have found this book if not for a relative of the author giving it to Abel when he was born. Lovely poetry and paintings depict a day when the snowplow piles up mountains of snow at the roadsides and the kids create fortresses within the drifts.

p.s. Two recent articles on children's literature, provided by friend & faithful blog reader Charles Gregory.

From The New Yorker: here

From Another Parenting Blog: here

Favorite Books: Up To Age 2

2009-09-02T20:53:00.000-04:00

Here's an annotated list of the books Abel and I liked best in his first two years. Yes, you will notice a theme: cars, trucks, and animals. We read these books over and over again, starting around the age of 9 months.

The Bright Baby Series (First Words, Animals, Colors, Trucks) by Roger Priddy - Small board books with one photograph per page on a brightly-colored background. Excellent for expanding vocabulary.

My Big Truck Book by Roger Priddy - Large board book featuring photographs of all sorts of trucks and construction equipment, each of which is named, in case you weren't able to identify a brush rig, for example, on your own. Perfect for the truck enthusiast (Abel's first word was "truck.")

Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown and Clement Hurd - Simple and quiet, ideal for naptime/bedtime.

Mr. Gumpy’s Outing by John Burningham - Beautiful artwork accompanies this sweet story about a boy and a girl and Mr. Gumpy taking a boat down a river, with a different animal each page asking if he or she can come along.

Freight Train by Donald Crews - A simple board book about a train moving along a track. On the way you learn about colors, train cars, and different things one might see from the train tracks.

Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You by Dr. Seuss - This board book was Abel's introduction to Dr. Seuss and the first of his books that I inadvertently memorized. It has all sorts of fun sounds in it like "dibble dibble, dibble dop," and "clop, clop, clop, clop."

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See; Panda Bear, Panda Bear, What Do You See; Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What Do You Hear by Bill Martin Jr. and Eric Carle - Wonderful paintings of animals and a sing-songy text to delight the young ones.

The Carrot Seed by Ruth Krauss and Crockett Johnson -- A sweet board book about a little boy who plants a carrot seed and watches it grow.

Go Do Go by PD Eastman - (The Board Book Version) The board version of this book is very different from the full length version. This one rhymes and is easy for a little one to follow. We especially love the pink cake at the end.

Let's Eat (Sesame Street) by Constance Allen and David Prebenna - This book has a die-cut Cookie Monster on the cover, and tells a rhyming story of a dinner party hosted by Cookie himself. It is best read in Cookie Monster's voice. Lots of fun. "Me want to cook a dinner . . . "

Bear About Town by Stella Blackstone and Debbie Harter - This was a hand-me-down> We never would have discovered it otherwise. Bear takes a walk every day. On Monday he goes to the bakery. On Tuesday he goes to the gym. Etc. The best part for us was the picture of the town, where we would count windows and doors.

Please, Baby, Please by Spike Lee, Tonya Lewis Lee, and Kadir Nelson - Vibrant illustrations take you through one day in the life of a toddler. Fans of Spike Lee's "She's Gotta Have It" will recognize the reference in the title, but no, this book isn't about sex, it's about trying to get your toddler to do what you want, or not-do what you don't want.

Is Your Mama a Llama by Deborah Guarino and Steven Kellogg - Baby llama meets all sorts of other animals.

Barnyard Dance by Sandra Boynton - "Stomp your feet, clap your hands, everybody ready for a barnyard dance!" Easy for both mom and baby to memorize. A fun rhythmic chant.

Big Red Barn by Margaret Wise Brown and Felicia Bond - The verses in this one feel a little forced (or perhaps just dated) but learning about different animals on the farm throughout the day was a big hit for us.

Miss Spider’s New Car by David Kirk - Another random hand-me-down that we loved, probably because it depicted different, fanciful cars and used fun words like "zoom."

Richard Scarry’s Cars & Trucks from A-Z - More cars! This book is funny, especially to a toddler. Who ever heard of a corn car? That's just silly!

Construction Zone by Tana Hoban - Okay, Abel loved this one, not me. It's a series of photographs of construction equipment, and then at the end there's a paragraph explaining what each one does. And now I can identify a "Crane With Clamshell Bucket!"

Knuffle Bunny: A Cautionary Tale by Mo Willems - Daddy loses Trixie's beloved Knuffle Bunny at the laundromat. Wicked cool artwork involving painting on top of photographs.

I Went Walking – by Sue Williams – This is a simple, repetitive book about a child who goes walking and sees some animals. Abel loved seeing the different animals. He mostly enjoyed reading this book with his Babci (grandmother).

Noteworthy Conversations with my Three-Year-Old

2009-07-29T21:53:00.000-04:00

Abel in his fireman gear. Photo copyright Chris Bernstein.

My mother watches Abel on Mondays and Wednesdays, while I work. I’ve got a computer set up in my “office,” my old bedroom at my parents’ house. Today, while I was working, I heard Abel’s feet on the stairs. (He often comes up to visit me). He padded into the room, quietly for him, and said, “Mommy, I want to tell you about two things."

“What’s up, Abel?” I asked.

“When I was a baby, I said ‘goo goo, gaga’.”

“That’s right, you did.” (We’d discussed this the night before, as I was putting him to bed.)

“The second thing I want to tell you is this,” he continued. “When I was a baby, I said ha-ha-ha-ha.”

“Is that so?” (This was new.)

“Yes” he answered. And then turned and left the room, just as quietly as he’d entered.

He repeated the story, to Daddy, later that evening.

----

A month or two ago, I awoke around 2 AM, hearing my son stir in bed, whining softly. He quieted down quickly enough, so I rolled over and went back to sleep. A little while later, there was a strange sound that was sort-of like when he gets out of bed in the morning, but not quite. I went to his room to investigate, stepping over the safety gate that keeps him from wandering around the house when he is – or we are – half-asleep. He wasn’t in the bed. In fact, I didn’t see him anywhere. I was more puzzled than panicked. Then I realized that the pile of pillows on the floor was not just a pile of pillows, but a sleeping child slumping into a pile of pillows from a most unusual perch. Perhaps he fell out of bed, perhaps he crawled out, but he landed in the laundry basket of books we keep at his bedside.

“Abel,” I said softly, and he blinked a few times.

“My book basket is in my bed,” he told me. “Why is my book basket in my bed?”

I didn’t try to explain, I just lifted him back into bed, replacing the pillows and tucking the quilt in around him.

In the morning, I told him what had happened. “You fell out of bed in the middle of the night, and landed in your book basket. You told me the book basket was in your bed.”

“It WAS, Mommy.”

---

My sister, who babysits on Tuesday mornings, was encouraging Abel to dance.

Shake, shake, shake
Shake, shake, shake
Shake your booty, she sang.
Shake your booty.

Abel giggled. Then he began running around the room. He didn’t quite get the lyric. “Shake your Buddha!” he sang. “Shake your Buddha!”

(He’s familiar with the Buddha – his mom has little statues here and there.)

---

I usually do my grocery shopping alone. It’s easier, and faster, that way. But occasionally, when my husband has work conflicts, Abel comes with me.

Earlier this spring, he was sitting in the cart at Stop and Shop as we made our way into the produce section. He pointed out a display of large watermelon quarters, wrapped tightly in cellophane. “Can we get some? You told me we could get some ‘maybe next time’.”

“Sure!” I placed the watermelon in the cart behind him.

“I want to hold it,” he demanded. “I want to smell it.”

“Okay, Abel, but don’t drop it.”

He held it up to his face, like a big goofy smile. I continued through the store, gathering the last few items on my list.

Suddenly I could smell watermelon. Abel was still holding it up to his face.

“I licked it, Mommy.”

“Oh, Abel, don’t put that in your mouth.”

But it was too late – he had already chewed a hole through the plastic, and was gleefully sucking watermelon pulp through the hole.

In typical three-year-old fashion, he refused to eat any more of the watermelon when we got home, and continued to refuse it for the rest of the week.

---

Chris, Abel and I are riding in the truck, listening to a mix CD that I made for Chris when I was pregnant. We have just heard "You're Having My Baby" by Paul Anka, which Abel declared his new favorite song, despite Chris saying it was corny and me saying it was cheesy. "Frontier Psychiatrist" by The Avalanches comes on next. And here's how it goes from there:

Abel: (sniffles)
Chris: Are you okay, Abel? (turns volume down)
Abel: You have to turn the music up. . . . (ponders for a long moment) Is that music?
Chris: (turns music up)
Abel: (thinking about it for a minute) Yeah, it's music.

--

We are driving in the car, listening to a mix CD I made for Abel. “Don’t Worry Be Happy” comes on.

Abel: Who’s that singing?
Kezia: Bobby McFerrin.
Abel: No, who’s that singing?
Kezia: Bobby McFerrin.
Abel: No it’s not.
Kezia: Yes it is.
Abel: No, it’s a fish.
Kezia: A fish?
Abel: A fish on a wall.
Kezia: (realizes he’s talking about a scene in a movie). Oh, you’re right honey, where did we see a fish on a wall, singing?
Abel: Wall-e!

Hey Mister D.J.

2009-05-13T21:44:00.000-04:00

I open the door and my son, who is two, climbs into his car seat. As I buckle him in, he sings the tune his dad taught him, “Buckle up for safety, baby better buckle up!” Then I go around to my door, settle myself into my own seat, and turn the key in the ignition.

“What song do you want to hear?” I ask.

“Dewy-dawa.”

“Okay!” I reply as I slide the “Cars” soundtrack into the player.

I’m not sure why, but “Dewy-dawa” is Abel’s code name for “Sh-boom” by The Chords. We listen to it five times in a row on the ten-minute drive to my parents’ house, where he will stay with my mom while I go to work.

“Sh-boom” will remain his favorite song for the better part of three weeks, after which he will prefer Chuck Berry’s “Route 66,” on the same CD. “Crocodile Rock” by Elton John, “Ob La Di, Ob La Da” by the Beatles, and “Puff the Magic Dragon” by Gregory Isaacs, among others, have each enjoyed the distinction of being Abel’s favorite, which means that each has had its own extended play period of a fortnight or more.

Do I mind listening to the same song over and over again? Of course. But it’s not like we’re listening to Barney or The Wiggles. I’ve pre-selected the songs. I make compilations for my son and his friends so that they will be as familiar with classics like “Hey Good Lookin’” by Hank Williams or “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley as the inevitable picks from kid-oriented movies like “Cars.”

Abel tires of “Route 66” after a week or so, and then we struggle for a few days to find something – anything – he wants to hear. He demands “from Cars!” and we skip through the soundtrack trying to find the song he has in mind. “Noooooo!” he wails as each track begins.

When the whining gets intolerable, I suggest that we try something new. I pop “Auntie Kezia’s Songs for Kids Volume 4” into the player, something we haven’t ever listened to, even though it’s almost a year old. “Lilah really likes this song,” I tell him as I queue up “Penguins” by Lyle Lovett. He doesn’t object – he really looks up to his friend Lilah, who is almost six. “Out of Limits” a surf version of the old TV show theme comes next, followed by Springsteen’s “Old Dan Tucker,” which I explain to him is his friends’ Connor and Sean’s favorite song. We are on our way to play with Connor and Sean, and another buddy, Max, as we listen. He is digging the new music. As each song ends he asks, “What’s next?”

Over the course of the day, we work our way through about half of the CD, with no repeats. Then when he tires of the new stuff, we go back to some of his old favorites. I’m sure I’m not alone, but I still can’t make out all the words to “C’rile Rock,” despite hundreds of listens.

Two weeks later, we are driving home from another playdate with Connor, Sean, and Max. Out of nowhere, Abel starts making demands from the backseat. “Weez-offa-benneez-cadi-wack.”

“What’s that, honey?”

“Weez-offa-benneez-cadi-wack?”

“Huh?”

“Weez-offa-benneez-cadi-wack.”

One more time?

“Weez-offa-benneez-cadi-wack!”

Suddenly it dawns on me. “Wheels off of Benny’s Cadillac? Wheels off of Benny’s Cadillac! You want to hear “Benny’s Cadillac?” It’s Track 9 on “Auntie Kezia Volume 4.”

“Yes!”

“Okay, honey.” I put the CD in and he squeals with delight.

I puzzle it over in my mind, trying to figure out how he can pull a song that he’s heard only once, two weeks ago, from his memory. Did he see a Cadillac on the road? Would he recognize one? Maybe he just associates the song with leaving his friend Max’s house.

So “Benny’s Cadillac” by the Iguanas becomes his new favorite, and we listen to it over and over again for the next – get this – four months. Four months of “What do you want to hear?”

“Benny.”

“How about something different?”

“No. Benny.”

It’s non-negotiable.

But at least he lets the rest of the CD play on after he’s heard “Benny” a few times. We get to know “New Sound” by Scooter from the Muppets really well, “Abracadabra by the Steve Miller Band, and “Fingernails” by Joe Ely. And when we go on longer drives, we make it all the way through the 80-minute disc, working our way back around to “Penguins,” “Dan Tucker,” and another big fave, “Angelina/Zooma Zooma” by Louis Prima, which extols the virtues of “Angelina, waitress at the pizzeria,” and coincidentally dovetails well with Abel’s summer-long obsession with Papa Gino’s.

In the fall, I present Abel with “Auntie Kezia’s Songs for Kids Volume 5,” and – with a big sigh of relief on my part – we move on from “Benny” (albeit temporarily) to an unprecedented fifteen-song sequence of favorites that begins with “All Together Now” by the Beatles and careens through various chapters of music history – The Ventures, The Dixie Cups, James Taylor – ending with John Prine’s “Dear John (I Sent Your Saddle Home). How could my heart not fill with pride when he recognizes – even requests – Talking Heads or The Who?

But he’s not interested in the second half of the CD. Whenever he hears Springsteen’s cover of “Froggie Went A’Courtin’” (Track 16), he immediately asks for “Old Dan Tucker,” off the same album. He recognizes the voice, or perhaps the sound of the band, and it reminds him of another old favorite. And despite my best efforts, inevitably, we’re back to “Benny.”

One day he asks for “Game-ler.” I know he means “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers, because I’d successfully suggested it as a new song a few hours earlier. I’m not sure which track number we’re looking for, so I guess (I’m pretty sure it’s either 9 or 11). Track nine turns out to be the 1983 novelty hit “Putting on the Ritz” by Taco. Less than two full bars into the song, Abel says to me, “No, that’s ‘Putting on the Ritz.”

This is remarkable on its own considering Abel’s young age, but the fact that he’s only heard “Ritz” a total of three times in his life, the most recent being three weeks prior, really makes it meaningful. We’ve got a long way to go in learning letters and numbers. But he’s an ace at Name That Tune.

What can I say -- my son is a musical genius! (Kidding! I’m kidding. Really.)

But seriously. We’re having fun. I get to introduce Abel to the music I love, and he really enjoys it. I’m constantly on the lookout for selections for the next compilation, wondering what will appeal to his still-developing ears.

In ten years’ time – or even sooner – the roles will be reversed. (I’m afraid my dad is still getting over my ninth grade obsession with the Violent Femmes’ first album). Abel will be introducing his favorite songs to me. If it goes as I’m hoping it does, those songs won’t be chirpy inanities from High School Musical Fourteen or overproduced dreck from American Idol (yes I am a snob), but something catchy from a hot new garage band out of Akron, perhaps, or some clever hip-hop by the son of one of the guys in Outkast.

I can’t wait.

Hey Mister D.J.
Put a record on
I wanna dance with my baby

Stuck Indoors with a Toddler

2009-02-20T19:52:00.000-05:00

Here, Abel plays the game he invented that involves "fixing" Dada's legs.

It’s the middle of the winter. It’s below freezing outside for the 45th day in a row. Or it’s too windy, or too wet, . . . you get the picture. Going outside to play is not an option. Your usual playmates are sick or otherwise unavailable; you’re tired of all your toys and books and usual activities. What do to? Here are a few ideas.

• Bake something. My son, who is two and a half, loves to pull a chair up to the counter and help me pour ingredients into the stand mixer or the bread machine. I’m not comfortable cooking with him yet over a hot stove, but tipping mixing cups and spoons together works just fine. He also likes pressing down on the tops of cookies once I’ve spooned them onto the baking sheet. Best of all: you get to sample whatever you’ve made later on.

• Make a fort. Find some large blankets. Gather some dining chairs or other reasonably tall and sturdy furniture. Drape the blankets over the tops of the furniture to make a fort – or a cabin – or a tent – or whatever you want to call it. Then climb in. Anything done inside a fort is more fun than when it’s done in a normal setting.

• Make a nest. Gather as many pillows and blankets as you can – the cushions from the couch work too. The more the better. Pile them up in a cozy area (our favorites: the sunny dining room or the living room couch) and then sit or lie in the pile. It’s a great place to read, to chat, or just to snuggle.

• Run. Really? Yes. My son likes to run laps around the small loop that connects the four rooms of our downstairs. Kitchen to hall, to living room to dining room – around and around and around. He especially likes it when we chase him. The other day I figured out that if I think of it as exercise, and jog at a moderate pace, it assuages the longing (somewhat) that I have for the gym. This seems to hold his attention more than dancing – but that’s an option too.

• Vacuum. Household chores may seem like drudgery to you, but to a toddler, they might actually be interesting. Let’s see what we can find when we take all the cushions off the couch! Let’s see what’s under the bed! Let your child try his hand at the work of it too – you might have to do it over again when he’s done, but it will be empowering for him at least to try. You have to be selective, of course. I tried to enlist my son’s help in washing the floor, but he only ended up making big puddles and then tried to eat the sponge.

• Play with Water. One of my son’s favorite activities is standing at the kitchen sink with the water running while he fills and empties different size cups. But the best part is when he gets to use the sprayer. I try to keep water play a “special occasion” activity so we don’t waste too much water. Inevitably playing at the sink renders the kitchen a wet mess -- but the floor usually needs mopping anyway).

• Let your child read to you. He or she has probably memorized sections of his/her favorite books – or at least knows the story line. Snuggle up with a book and see what your child comes up with just by browsing the pictures.

• Write a letter. Have your child dictate a letter to Grandpa or Uncle Jeff or Santa (even off-season). Write it down word-for-word and leave space for your child to decorate the margins.

• Look at photo albums. Most kids like to look at pictures of themselves, especially if you can tell stories that describe the pictures. When they get older, old pictures of you will fascinate them as well.

• Find videos of interest on You Tube. There is all sorts of G-Rated good stuff out there – footage of construction sites and zoo animals, Thomas & Friends episodes (watch out for the parodies, though), real-time aquarium scenes.

• Make a home video. Each month, I make a point to interview my son on camera. The subject matter isn’t very important – I just want to record him talking about whatever comes to mind (although the subjects of “What did you have for breakfast?” and “What did we do today?” are very common.) Edit these together at the end of the year for a vivid recap of the progress of your child’s development. You can make audio recordings too – or even try a photo shoot, with or without props.

• Follow your child’s lead. We have a weekend ritual that my son refers to as “Rockets.” Every Saturday he likes to help me change the sheets on all the beds. One day we experimented with crawling under the fitted sheet on our queen size bed (with one corner untucked). Lying on his back, my son figured out that there was just enough room for him to extend his legs all the way up. “Rockets!” he exclaimed. So now every Saturday (and sometimes during the week as well) we crawl under the fitted sheet and do Rockets. We also end up lying in the bed and chatting, or examining the other objects that surround the bed on a given day (a clock, a flashlight, Daddy’s cough drops). It doesn’t have to be an “activity” to be interesting.

P-O-P

2009-01-08T20:36:00.000-05:00

“I want something,” Abel said to me the other, day. It’s his way of saying, “I’m hungry.”

“What do you want?” I asked.

“G-S-R-O,” he said, matter-of-factly.

“Can you say that again?” I asked.

“G-S-R-O.”

Our family uses shorthand sometimes for everyday objects. Ginger snaps, which are both Abel and his father’s choice for an after-dinner treat, are known as “G-S-es.” Blankie and Lovey, Abel’s two comfort objects, are often referred to as “the B and the L.” And the pacifier, which for the longest time was only known as the pacifier, became “diss” a few months after Abel began to speak. When he was fussy, we used to ask, “Do you want THIS?” and hold the pacifier in front of him. “Diss!” he learned to say when he wanted it.

But what was G-S-R-O?”

Abel is two and a half, and he’s articulate for his age. We’re fortunate that he often can express himself quite clearly.

“Abel, I don’t know what a G-S-R-O is. Can you tell me where I might find it?”

“In the ‘friger-A-tor.”

Still no idea. “Can you show me where?”

We go into the kitchen. “Up there,” he says, and points to the freezer.

“Aha!” I say to myself. I think I’ve figured it out.

“Abel, do you want a P-O-P?” It’s our shorthand for popsicle.

“Yes! A popsicle! P-O-P! I want an orange one – no, a red one.”

Phew. Not being able to figure out what a toddler wants can be a frustrating experience for everyone involved. We got off easy this time.

I really enjoy hearing my son’s language skills emerge. His vocabulary is already extensive. In fact, “extensive” is one of his words. One day in the car he told me “the traffic is extensive.” I thought he said “expensive,” and chuckled to myself, because gas was nearly $4.00 a gallon at the time, and he was indeed correct. But then I remembered that I had used that exact phrase the day before to explain why we were taking a different route home. It became a joke between him and me when we hit heavy traffic in the weeks after that conversation – was the traffic extensive -- or expensive? (Daddy’s new computer, he knows, is expensive.)

I love when he makes up words for yet-unnamed objects he encounters, based on the words already in his vocabulary. The other day I asked if he’d help me make mashed potatoes, a task he has enjoyed in the past. He pulled up a chair to the kitchen counter. “Where’s the potato doer?” he asked, meaning the potato masher. “Doer” is one of his favorite all-purpose words. He calls the Scotch tape dispenser the “tape doer,” and tool we use to scoop avocados from their skin the “avocado doer.”

Abel picked out some foam letters a couple months ago at Target, to add to our array of bathtub toys. When they are wet, they stick to the sides of the tub. Abel really enjoys playing with them, and as a result he is learning his letters. He knows A and B (his initials), plus K, S, O, and sometimes E. He also recognizes the numbers 8 and 5 (thanks to Elmo’s “Five, No Jive” rap on Sesame Street).

The letter P in this collection is yellow. “P for pee-pee!” I exclaimed one evening as he played in the tub. Abel cracked up. “P for pee-pee!” he repeated, and continues to repeat, perhaps a little bit more than I’d like – in parking lots, whenever he sees a P on a license plate, or in the grocery store, when he sees the P in “Produce.”

At least he hasn’t figured out that P also stands for “poop.”

by Kezia Bacon-Bernstein
January, 2009

A Pep Talk for Overwhelmed (or Exhausted) New Moms

2008-12-05T21:11:00.000-05:00

The baby is here. You’re home from the hospital (or birthing center). Now what?

The first two weeks might be relatively okay (unless you’ve given birth to multiples – that’s a whole ‘nother story), because you’ll still be somewhat blissed out, in a hormonal haze. But sooner or later, there’s a wall you’re going to hit – and you’ll probably hit it hard. After all, you haven’t been sleeping nearly as much as you used to (or as much as you need), and if you’re nursing, you probably feel like your days – and nights – are one long feeding session. Here are some reassurances to get you through the hard times. But I’m also going to be bluntly honest – because new moms just don’t get enough of that?

It will get easier. Make this your mantra. Tell yourself over and over again: this will get easier. In particular, it is going to get easier when your baby is 6 weeks old, and easier again at 3 months, 6 months and a year. After that, you won’t believe how skilled a parent you’ve become! Caring for a new baby can be sweet – but for the most part, it’s damn hard work. Okay, I’ll go ahead and say it: it sucks. It gets better, I promise.

Sleep Deprivation Makes You Unstable. When you don’t sleep enough, you get a little crazy (as if the hormonal fluxes weren’t cause enough). You will feel a lot better (and more competent) once you start sleeping more. Depending on your baby’s size, temperament, sleep patterns, eating patterns, etc. he or she probably will begin to sleep for 4-6 hour stretches at some point during the day or night, sometime after the first month or two. Which means that you will get to sleep too. Everyone says “Sleep when the baby sleeps,” and it really is something to strive for in the early days. Do it if you can. But if all the things you can’t do while the baby is awake are nagging at you, it’s okay to forego naps in favor of things like personal hygiene, eating, checking your e-mail, etc.

Yes, It IS One Long Nurse-Fest. Yes, you are feeding the baby constantly. It’s a marathon, and it’s worse if you’re also trying to pump breast milk. Rest assured, as the baby grows, he or she will not need to eat as frequently. If you need a break from the constant milking, consider supplementing with formula. Maintaining your sanity and avoiding utter exhaustion or stupefaction are important – they do affect your child’s health. What’s worse for your baby? An exhausted and emotionally-spent mother, or a daily bottle or two of formula? (FYI, for various reasons, beginning at 11.5 weeks of age, my son consumed formula exclusively.)

Hello, Water Balloons! What about those boobs? Did they quadruple in size when your milk came in? Do you now feel like Dolly Parton? Then there’s the soreness, scabs, leaking, and the searing pain from an ill-placed stick-on breast pad . . . and that awful sour milk smell you just can’t wash away . . . The pain will probably be gone after the first 10 days of nursing. The size change will continue for the duration of your nursing period. You may never have your ”old” boobs back again (Hello, deflated balloons!) Especially if you use an electric breast pump, there will be times when you feel like a dairy cow. But you’re nourishing your child in the best way possible, bonding like crazy, and saving LOTS of money by not having to buy formula. Do it as long as it works for both you and the baby. It’s totally okay to stop nursing before the doctor-recommended 12-month period. Formula works well too. Just keep that baby fed!

No, You Can’t Put Me Down! Did you get a baby that seems to need to be held CONSTANTLY? I did too. In the early days, I even brought my son onto the toilet with me when I needed to pee. Long after, when I was relating this experience, a friend asked, “You wouldn’t be okay with the baby fussing for a minute or two while you voided your bladder?” In retrospect, I wish I had put my son in his moses basket for a minute or two so I could pee in peace, even if he did cry. Would two minutes of crying scar him for life? Absolutely not.

But Seriously, Can I Put Him/Her Down? Dr. Harvey Karp, author of The Happiest Baby on the Block, refers to the first three months of a child’s life as the Fourth Trimester. According to him, to keep your baby at ease, your job is to reproduce the conditions of the womb as best you can. I cannot recommend his book strongly enough. It’s a quick read (or you can rent the DVD version), and it teaches you some basic techniques to keep a baby content. If you don’t have time to read, ask your partner or another loved one to read it and give you the Cliff Notes.

Okay, Why Does The Contentedly-Sleeping Baby Wake As Soon As I Put Him/Her Down? Does your baby wake up as soon as you put him in his bassinet? One of the best things I learned in my constant reading of parenting books (yes, I read way too many) was that if you hold a baby for 15 minutes after he or she falls asleep, the baby is MUCH more likely to stay asleep for awhile when you put him or her down. Try it a few times and see what happens. It may work better as your baby gets older.

The Walls Are Closing In - Okay, the novelty of not having to go to work is wearing off. You find yourself awake – even alert – at various points during the day. And you’re starting to realize that this baby is not a good conversationalist – not in the least. You’re lonely! Having a newborn is a very isolating experience, especially if he or she is premature or has health issues that make taking the babe out in public a major concern for you. If your doc says it’s okay for the baby to be around other people, now is the time to welcome all those well-meaning visitors. Heck, it’ll give you a reason to change your milk-stained shirt and brush your hair! Hang out with your friends – the ones who have kids too, and are home during the day. No friends that meet those criteria? Your hospital probably hosts support groups for things like breastfeeding, new motherhood, or post-partum depression. Even if you don’t “need” these groups, they are a great place to meet other new moms, who know better than anyone else what you are going through. You might make a new friend, or at least find someone in the same boat to hang out with. And you can find all sorts of online chat rooms full of people having similar experiences. Reach out and find someone to chat with, so you don’t feel so alone.

I’m Ashamed to Admit It – But I’m Bored - Taking care of a baby, once you get the hang of it, is not exactly a stimulating experience. It’s okay to be bored. See above about finding people to share your boredom (people who too can be engaged in a conversation about spit-up consistency!) If your baby is healthy, you can take him or her out. As long as you time it well around feedings (or go to places where you can feed when you need to), some fresh air or a trip to the store can be wonderfully restorative for both of you. The baby will get WAY more interesting after about 6 months, and then you won’t have time to be bored.

I Don’t Think I’m Doing This Right . . . If you’ve listened to lots of advice from friends and family, or read a lot of parenting books or websites, your mind is probably chock-full of all the What To Do and What Not To Do’s. It can be frustrating, confusing, even maddening – all those conflicting perspectives. Are there so many options to consider that you feel like you’re going out of your mind? What you need to do first is take a deep breath. If you’re keeping your baby alive, then you’re doing all right. The most important thing is to trust your instincts. Not sure what your instincts are telling you? That’s okay too. Ask your partner what he or she thinks. Sometimes just opening a dialogue about the issue concerning you can help you find the “right” answer.

This Is Scary. Yep. Suddenly you’re responsible for keeping another human being alive. There are now all sorts of new things to worry about . . . many of them totally irrational. Parenthood can be scary. You just have to accept it, and try not to dwell too much on the What-Ifs.

Oh My God, What have I done?!? One of my yoga students related this story to me. A high-powered career woman, she gave birth to her first child in her late 20s. One night in the baby’s first few weeks, she found herself pacing the hallway of her home, trying to console an inconsolable baby. Her life had changed utterly. All she could think was, “What have I done? Before, life was relatively easy, predictable, and enjoyable. But now we have this baby and everything has changed. I’m not sure I want to do this. I’m not sure I CAN do this. I wish I could give the baby back.” It’s okay to feel this way. In my opinion, it’s normal. And it will pass. And no, you can’t give the baby back.

What If We’re Not Bonding? I know plenty of mothers who didn’t feel at all bonded with their child until the kid was 6 months, a year, or even older. It’s okay! In the beginning, the baby takes, takes, takes and gives hardly anything back, unless you count spit-up and poop. You’re a caretaker in the beginning -- some would say “servant.” It can feel like a thankless job. Be rest assured, you it won’t remain that way. You WILL feel bonded with your child. It will make all the hard stuff totally worth it.

Are These Feelings Normal? Becoming a parent is a HUGE lifestyle shift for most of us. If you are used to a relative state of independence -- working a regular job, sleeping as late as you want on the weekends, doing what you want when you want, then the catastrophic changes that occur when the baby arrives can be jaw-dropping. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed, resentful, regretful, angry, sad – the whole gamut of negative emotions. Many women (myself included) grieve the loss of their old lifestyle. It takes some time to get used to all of this. And you WILL get used to it. Maybe quickly – maybe not. But you will. Remember, THIS. WILL. GET. EASIER. I promise.

And If It Doesn’t? Be like me, like Brooke Shields, like countless other women who suffered from post-partum depression. Find compassion for yourself and get some help --counseling, medication, daily trips to the gym, whatever it takes to make that dark could go away. Post-partum depression is extremely common and extremely treatable. You owe it to yourself – and your baby – to get the help you need.

Politics for 2-Year Olds

2008-10-22T21:37:00.001-04:00

(Photo: Scarecrows in my parents' neighborhood, October 2008)

In mid-October, Charles Gibson interviewed John McCain on the evening news. My son Abel, who is two, was playing in the living room while my husband watched the news and I cleaned up the kitchen. After the interview was over, I heard Abel say "John McCain" several times in a row, to no one in particular.

I went into the living room and asked, "What did you say?"

"John McCain!" he answered.

“Oh,” I replied, trying not to react. “That’s what I thought you said.”

Abel went back to playing, and I began to gather his towel, pajamas, and a fresh diaper, preparing for his bath.

I went into the bathroom to turn the water on. I could hear Abel saying “John McCain” over and over again, trying out different tones of voice.

I stuck my head out of the bathroom door. “Abel, it’s bath time,” I said.

He didn’t respond.

I went over to where he was playing, and asked him again to come to the bath.

“John McCain!” he replied.

I’ve been an Obama supporter from the beginning. "Nooooooooooooo!" I said, in a dramatic, joking tone, and tried to scoop him up to bring him to the bathroom.

He slipped out of my hands and began running around the house, like he often does before bath or bedtime, yelling, "John McCain! John McCain!"

"Noooooooooo!" I kept replying. I couldn’t help but laugh at his antics.

Finally I got him undressed, onto the potty, and into the tub. He sat down and said, "John McCain!"

This time I countered with, "Barack Obama."

He looked at me quizzically. (We’d missed the newscast the previous night when Obama had been interviewed.) “Can you say Obama?” I asked.

“Obama!” he replied.

“How about Barack?”

He wasn’t sure.

“It’s like ‘rock n roll,” I said. “Barack and roll.”

“Ba-wock and roll!”

“That’s right, Abel. Barack. Obama. Barack. Obama.”

“Ba-wock. Obama.”

“That’s right, Abel. Hooray!”

His response, naturally, was "John McCain!"

"Nooooooooooo!"

"Barack Obama!"

"Yaaaaaaaaay!"

This conversation has become part of our daily routine. Abel gets a kick out of getting a rise out of me, and his eyes twinkle when he tells me, “John McCain.” He especially enjoys it when we have an audience (most of the people we know are Obama supporters). We had friends over last weekend and they all chimed in on the Yays and No's. This brought Abel immeasurable delight.

I just hope he doesn't yell McCain's name when he goes to the polls with me On November 4.

Top Baby Needs - 6 to 18 Months

2008-09-01T21:20:00.000-04:00

A Chair for Feeding - Okay, your baby is ready for solid food. There are a few options for where this kid is going to sit and eat. Feeding chairs are good for young babies: they sit on a tabletop or strap to a chair, and place the baby in a semi-reclined position, which is ideal if the child has not yet developed enough muscular control to sit up in a chair. Traditional high chairs offer a more upright position. Many of the newer high chairs combine both of these features in an adjustable seat. I know a few moms who used the feeding chair well into toddlerhood, and others who just improvised with a car seat or baby chair (see above) until the baby could sit up in a traditional high chair. Find a chair that works for you, in your home – there’s no telling how long you will use it. My son was done with his high chair before he was 18 months old. After that we used a booster seat that strapped onto a regular dining room chair, and by age 2 he was sitting in (or sometimes standing on) a regular chair. Some babies are happy in their high chairs till pre-school.

Infant Motrin – It lasts longer (6-8 hours) than Tylenol (4 hours). Again, the CVS and Target brands of these work fine.

Safety Gates – When your baby starts crawling or pulling up to a standing position, you will need to block off doorways and other unsafe areas (or areas you just don’t want the baby to get into). There are so many different kinds of gates – it can be overwhelming, but rest assured, they make one for every single situation imaginable. I recommend just making changes as the need arises, rather than trying to do it all at once. When you discover an area that needs gating, then find the gate that fulfills your needs. Ignore the folks who tell you to babyproof BEFORE you need to – you just can’t predict what your needs are going to be.

Playdates – While children in this age group still don’t play together, they do enjoy and benefit from each other’s company. As above, if you can find a fellow mom with a child the same age as yours, having a weekly get-together is something for everyone to look forward to. This is especially fun once the kids are walking and talking. I recommend getting together at each other’s houses. This way, your child can play with the other child’s toys, and you can find out which toys you might like to have in your own home. Once the kids are steady on their feet, toddler-friendly playgrounds are another option.

Playgrounds – Once your child is walking, the playground presents some wonderful opportunities. If you can, find a playground that is fenced in (so you won’t have to sprint after your little escapee), and toddler-friendly. Many of the newer municipal play areas have sections just for toddlers. You still have to be vigilant to prevent the older kids from knocking down your nascent walker as they beeline for the climbing wall – or to keep your own kid from falling through the open spaces in the play structures – but you also can give your child the time and space to explore on his/her own (just stay close enough for your own comfort zone). My advice is to begin your playground explorations by visiting at off times when the area isn’t very crowded. Sit your kid in your lap and try out the slides. Before long he/she will be able to do it “all by myself.” Let him/her learn to climb the ladders and crawl through the tunnels, even if you have to lead the way the first few times. Playgrounds are also great places to meet other parents/kids.

Picture books – My son did not care a whit about books until about 9 months of age. After that, he loved them. We started with the Bright Baby series of pictures books (Trucks, Animals, Colors, First Words), which had only a single word on each page. Then we moved on to the larger format picture books in the same series (Priddy Books, My Big Board Books) – which had 9 squares on each page, with a picture and word in each square. Traditional board books with story lines were not of interest until a little bit later – closer to 18 months.

Bath Toy Strainer – That sounds strange, but what I’m getting at is some kid of storage unit for the bath toys that helps to air them out, so they don’t get moldy. There are plastic frogs that suction-cup into the wall, or mesh bags shaped like animals that do the same. A simple plastic box with holes in it (like the one you used as a shower caddy in college) will also do the trick. When the bath toys do get moldy (black grime in the creases), you can launder them on the gentle cycle with some bleach to get them clean again. As for choosing bath toys – it really depends on your child and what he/she likes. We’re quite fond of ordinary funnels here, especially the large size designed for car maintenance. The assorted duckies, and the fake fishing rod with magnetic fish are also is big hits. Large funnels are also really useful for rinsing out shampoo.

Sandbox –You don’t need anything large or elaborate for a 1-year-old. They sell small, round, plastic animal-shaped (green turtles or red crabs) sandboxes with covers at most large toy stores. These work well for one-year olds – just enough room for one kid and some buckets and shovels. But after age 2, you will want more space. I’ve found 6x6 feet to be ample space to create hills and make roads and dig dirt with construction trucks. If I had it to do over again (and if I hadn’t received the round plastic one as a hand-me-down), I would go straight to the larger box. You can buy sand in bags at the hardware store or have a landscape company deliver it.

Auntie Kezia’s Songs for Kids Volumes 1-5 – When my friends started having kids (I was the late bloomer in the bunch), I began creating mix CDs of songs that I thought kids would enjoy. Some were songs from Sesame Street or Disney movies, but many more were just “regular” songs that I hoped would appeal to the little ones. More importantly, the songs were chosen so as NOT to drive adults crazy. We all have different tastes, so this is no guarantee. But in general these CDs are well received by kids and parents alike. I make a new compilation every fall, and give them out for free. So if you’d like one (or the whole set), just ask. Abel's current fave, off the just-published Volume 5: "Magic Bus" by The Who.

What You Don't Need: Year One

2008-09-01T21:18:00.000-04:00

• Temporal (forehead) thermometer – not reliable
• Diaper “Genie” - requires special bags
• Wipes warmer - not necessary
• Microwave bottle sterilizer - use your dishwasher instead
• Too many clothes – especially in the first year, baby will grow very quickly. Resist the temptation to pre-buy baby clothes in larger sizes. A baby grows unpredictably, in spurts, and it will be hard to guess what size he or she will be wearing in any given (future) season. Plus, it’s hard to tell whether – for example – you will favor zippers or snaps, or one-pieces or two-pieces.
• Crib Bedding sets – These sets are really only for decoration. You will not need a quilt, bumper, pillow, etc. for a long time, if ever. You WILL need some crib sheets and at least two mattress pads. If your baby moves around a lot while sleeping, also consider a mesh bumper.
• Mittens – these are to prevent the baby from scratching him or herself. But you don’t need ‘em.
• Convertible Crib – You pay through the nose and sacrifice quality. Many friends have been very pleased with the $99 Jenny Lind crib.
• Dedicated Changing Table – see Changing Station notes above.
• Special hooded towels – they are so cute, but they’re too big for new babies. In the early days, we like waffle cotton blankets instead.
• Baby grooming kit – it’s full of stuff you don’t need.
• Bottle warmer – Get your baby used to room-temperature bottles from the get-go.
• Swaddler – a great idea, but it’s better to create your own with a receiving blanket for a custom fit. Some friends did have success with the Swaddler -- not us.
• Side-snap tees – after the first week or two when the umbilicus falls off, you won’t need these. So don’t buy more than one package.
• Swing – some mothers consider this an essential from Day One. Just as many mothers say their baby hated the swing. So wait & see what your baby’s temperament is. Borrow a swing if you can or try out one at a friend’s house.
• BeBe Cubes – These are tiny food storage containers designed for freezing homemade baby food. They are marketed to be “just the right size” for baby portions, but they’re way too small.
• Blunt baby forks – they don’t work. Spoons are great, but for food that requires a fork, a baby can just use his or her hands until he/she’s big enough to use a salad fork without doing any damage.

A Note About Nursing and Formula

2008-09-01T21:17:00.000-04:00

I was certain I was going to nurse my baby – and nurse him throughout the first year as recommended by the APA. By my body/mind had other plans. Due to an insufficient milk supply (brought on my anxiety and post-partum depression) I ended up introducing formula to my son when he was 3.5 weeks old, first only as a supplement. By the time he was 3 months old, he was drinking formula exclusively.

I felt tremendously guilty about this until a fellow mom (and RN) reminded me that as long as the baby is getting sufficient nourishment, he/she is going to be okay. While there are all sorts of advantages to nursing, in the end, it really doesn’t matter where the nourishment comes from – breast or bottle. The baby needs to eat, first and foremost! So if you want to nurse, but it doesn’t work for you, or if you decide that supplementing with formula or using formula exclusively is a better choice for you, then go for it! And leave the guilt behind.

Formula is expensive, so take advantage of the fact that the three major formula companies want your business, and will give you loads of coupons and free samples in order to obtain it. Go to the websites for the three major formula companies – Similac, Enfamil and Nestle -- and sign up NOW for their mailing lists. The goodies start coming before the baby even arrives. You can also obtain free samples from your gyno/midwife and from your pediatrician – but sometimes you have to ask.

There are organic formulas out there now as well, and some of those companies will give you a sample or a coupon as well. Do your research now. These products come in smaller containers at a greater cost.

Powder formulas are the least expensive. You can find the best deals, usually, at BJ’s or other wholesale clubs. But especially when a company introduces a new product, you can often find excellent deals at the supermarket.

Really, it comes down to which formula your baby tolerates best. You may have to do some experimenting.

p.s. this article from the Atlantic Monthly may help assuage any guilt you feel for not nursing, or for only nursing for a little while.

Link: The Case Aginst Breastfeeding

Top Baby Needs - Six Weeks to Six Months

2008-09-01T21:15:00.000-04:00

TOP BABY NEEDS – 6 WEEKS TO 6 MONTHS

A Stroller That Meets Your Needs – Everyone seems to have a different opinion on this. Consider where you will bring it, how it will fit in your car, etc. Some sort of sun shade for the baby is essential. A place to stash toys, diapers, etc. is really helpful, as is a place for your stuff (water bottle, cell phone, keys…)

Graco Pack n Play with bassinet attachment – the Pack n Play is incredibly versatile. If you get one with a bassinet attachment, it can double as a changing table and alternate bed for your baby (especially valuable if your home is on more than one floor and your baby takes short or frequent naps). It’s a safe place to put your baby when you need to go to the bathroom – this is especially important when baby learns to crawl and you have to keep an eye on him/her every minute.

Baby Einstein Activity Gym or other play mat – this is a cloth mat that you put on the floor. It usually has some sort of dangling toy bar to entertaining the baby, and is intended mostly for babies who are not yet crawling or rolling. After the baby is a couple months old, this device will permit you perhaps 10-15 minutes of time to shower or get dinner in the oven.

Fisher Price Infant-to-Toddler Rocker (or any chair with toy bar) – some mothers prefer bouncy seats, but they’re not as versatile. This is a secure place for a baby to sit. The toy bar keeps him or her entertained, and he or she can look around and see what’s going on. As above, this can give you a precious few minutes to get something done – like eat dinner! It can also serve as a first feeding chair, before the baby is big enough for a high chair.

Baby Bjorn or similar carrier – Especially for babies who prefer to face outward and see what’s going on, this is a lifesaver. Unlike with the sling, which still requires the use of one of your arms, this frees up BOTH arms (most of the time) and permits you to do all sorts of things while wearing the baby. It‘s great for walks on non-stroller friendly terrain, and for the grocery store and other errands (so you don’t have to schlep the baby carrier or stroller with you). Depending on your baby’s temperament, you may be able to get stuff done around the house while wearing it as well.

Exersaucer – again, for getting stuff done around the house this is SO helpful. When your baby outgrows the play mat and the upright chair, you can graduate to the Exersaucer. Of all the moms I conferred with when making this list ALL agreed that this is an essential item, and well worth the space it takes up in your home. The Jolly Jumper (doorway jumper) is less versatile because you can’t leave your baby unattended while he or she is in it. We use both, though, to expand our options.

Infant Tylenol – for fevers and teething pain. Buy the larger bottle, and always keep an extra on hand. You will find that the dropper doesn’t reach the bottom of the bottle, so there will always be a little bit in the container that you just can’t get at! Once your baby is 6 months old, switch to Infant Motrin, which lasts a couple hours longer per dose. The CVS and Target brands of these items worked well for us at a significantly lower price.

Nasal aspirator – If there is one at the hospital when you have the baby, take it home with you! The hospital ones work the best and they are hard to find elsewhere. Along with Little Noses Saline Drops/Spray, this will assist you is clearing a baby’s sinuses when he or she gets a cold. Babies don’t know how to blow their own noses.

Halo Sleepsack – This is a wearable blanket for bedtime. They come in fleece and in cotton. You can’t just cover a baby with a blanket because there is concern that he or she might get entangled in it. So you can either tuck blankets in really tight, or use a sleepsack, which will give you great peace of mind if you have a baby that moves around a lot while sleeping. You won’t need this until after your baby outgrows swaddling (around 2-3 months).

Pacifier Tether – If your baby likes the pacifier, then look for a pacifier tether. Some pacis have rings on the outside to which you can attach a tether, others don’t. But they make tethers to attach to either style. Why do you need this? Most likely your baby will spit out or accidentally lose grip on his or her pacifier. This can be an issue when you’re alone with him or her in the car, and the only way the baby will sleep (or not cry) is with the pacifier in the mouth.

Getting Out of the House – It’s still very important. See if you can find another mother with a child near the same age as yours, and make a weekly commitment to get together. The babies probably won’t play together, but they might roll around on a blanket on the floor side by side or encourage one another to roll over or sit up. More importantly, you will have another mother to compare parenting notes with.

Triangle shaped formula dispensers for travel – At some point you may supplement your baby’s diet with formula. I have found that the best way to travel with bottles is to fill the bottles with pre-measured amounts of water, and to carry the formula separately, also pre-measured. You can get these triangle-shaped formula dispensers at Target. They work much better than the other options. When you need a bottle, you open the dispenser and pour the formula powder into the bottle. For the record, most babies I know have had the best luck with Similac formulas. Sign up for formula coupons now on the Similac, Enfamil and Nestle websites. Formula is expensive!

Top Needs For Yourself - Pregnancy & First Six Weeks

2008-09-01T21:13:00.000-04:00

Wise Ways Belly Balm is a nice way to ward off stretch marks as your belly expands. Applying it gives you a nice belly massage.

Comfy chair - we love our plush Dutalier glider, but as long as you have a REALLY comfy chair, you'll be good. The couch works too in some cases. If you're using a chair, you may want a nursing stool for when you're actively nursing, and a more standard height ottoman for when you have a sleeping baby in your lap and want to sleep yourself. In our son's first two months, I slept in chairs just as much as in bed, so it was a good thing I had comfortable options.

Nursing Survival Kit – If you choose to nurse, you will spend a LOT of time nursing. And while you may become very adept at doing other things at the same time (depending on the temperament of your baby) in the beginning you will want to have lots of stuff within reach to keep yourself comfortable while the baby feeds. I recommend having a basket or box that you keep with you when you sit down to nurse. It should contain the telephone, paper and something to write with, water or other fluid for you to drink, a snack for you, something to read (or the TV remote), and a spit-up rag. You’ll also want a blanket and your nursing pillow. If you can get through the first ten days of nursing, the payoff will be huge. But those first ten days can be challenging. Scabs on your nipples are not uncommon. You will survive this -- and plenty of other indignities -- as a mother!

Nursing Bras – it’s hard to shop for these before the baby is born, but do your best because after he or she arrives, the last place you will want to go is the mall. Find some bras that are comfortable enough to sleep in because you will be wearing them 24-7. Since breast pads do not necessarily stay in place, you will want a few bras, as you will be laundering the milk out of them regularly.

Washable cotton breast pads - the disposable ones are fine and more discreet. Get those too. But for breathability, the cotton ones are nicer and more comfy, and they won't get stuck to your already-sore nipples.

Pads – stock up now on your favorite maxi pads. You will use a lot of them for up to 6 weeks after the baby is born.

Hand Sanitizer and Anti-bacterial Soap – You will be washing your hands with every diaper change and pretty much every time you handle the baby. You will want other people to wash their hands too. Keep this stuff on hand. CVS makes a really handy lime-scented hand sanitizer in a pen-sized dispenser. This is convenient for the car or diaper bag.

Sleep – Everyone says “sleep when the baby sleeps” but you may find that hard to do, especially if there are things you’d like to get done around the house. But try to make resting and sleeping a priority, both before the baby is born and after.

Getting Out of the House – It’s very important. You will need the fresh air and the change of scenery. After a month or so, if you have child care you are comfortable with, get a babysitter and schedule a date for you & your partner, and actually go out somewhere, just the two of you, even if it’s just for an hour. Make this a regular commitment.

Support Network – Ask your friends who are mothers what advice they would give to a new mother. Ask them what it was like in the early days of motherhood. LISTEN to their stories and try to put yourself in their shoes. You still won’t be able to really understand what new motherhood is like, but it may help you to be more prepared.

Encouragement – Just when I was starting to feel desperate (from lack of sleep and the shock of being a new mom), my friend Jess told me that there were definite milestones where things seemed to get easier. These are: 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months and 1 year. So hang in there: it DOES get easier. And more rewarding!

Top Baby Needs - First Six Weeks

2008-09-01T21:09:00.000-04:00

Infant Car Seat - we like Graco Snugride, but there are lots of good options. Look for one that isn't too heavy, as you will use it until your baby weighs 20 lbs., and you will likely lug it with you everywhere. Also be sure it will fit in your car with enough space for you to have the front seats where you like them. You will probably get tremendous peace of mind from a mirror installed in the back seat so you can see your baby in the rear-view while you drive.

Pampers Swaddlers diapers - I don't know very many people who like Huggies or Luvs. You will likely go through 10 diapers per day at least. Really. Wholesale clubs like BJs tend to have the best prices.

Boppy nursing pillow - Even if you don't end up nursing (see post entitled "A Note About Nursing and Formula" -- I did both), this is essential for feeding a little baby comfortably and easily. Unless you enjoy juggling pillows.

Stretchy cotton receiving blankets (not flannel) - the stretchy cotton t-shirt type fabric makes the most effective swaddle. Flannel doesn't work as well. You will want a lot of these -- at least 6.

A place for the baby to sleep at night. You probably won't need a crib yet. Instead of a bassinet, we preferred a Moses basket, which we kept on an ottoman next to our bed at night. During the day, we kept it downstairs where we were. Eventually we discovered that we all slept better with the baby in his basket in his crib (with the mattress at its highest level), in his own room. Otherwise, his little noises would wake us up, and our snores, bathroom trips, etc. would wake him up. To those of you reading the Sears books, co-sleeping worked much better for us when the baby was older and bigger (4 months+), and for naps and early morning sleep extenders, as opposed to the whole night.

Small flashlight – Most likely the baby will be waking you several times in the middle of the night – sometimes to eat, sometimes for a new diaper, and sometimes “just because.” You will also find that you want to check on the baby when he or she is sleeping, just to make sure everything is okay. So you don’t have to turn on the lights each time and risk waking the baby or your partner, keep a small flashlight next to your bed that will provide just the right amount of light you need. Also consider installing a lamp with a dim light for those times when you do need to have the light on for longer than is practical with a flashlight.

Diaper station of some sort - Dedicated changing tables can be awkward and inconvenient, especially in a 2-story house (unless you have one on each floor). We recommend getting a foam changing pad with a plastic liner, and two terry cloth pad covers. You can put the pad on a table, or couch, or floor, or in a Pack n Play that has a bassinet attachment (see below). Some doctors recommend not using baby wipes in the first month. We used soft paper towels dipped in room-temperature chamomile tea or water. We also like the Weleda Diaper Rash Cream for the bum and Weleda Calendula Cream for nursing rash on the chin. Since nursing babies poop all day long, get some quilted cotton lap pads (or use quilted cloth diapers or flannel receiving blankets) to put under the baby's bum for diaper changes. That way, if you make a mess, you'll only have to change the pad, not the whole cover. There WILL be messes. We also swear by our Diaper Champ (not Genie). This is an odor-resistant diaper pail that takes standard trash bags. For extra efficacy, we would tie a poopy diaper up in a plastic grocery bag before putting it in the Champ. Wasteful? Yep. But soiled diapers do stink after they've been sitting around, and new parents don't need to be taking out the trash 5 times a day! Some friends like to use the smaller, scented blue plastic bags that keep the smell contained enough that you can just toss the bagged diaper into your regular trash bin.

Cloth baby carrier - in the early days we used the New Native cotton sling. The Baby Bjorn is for larger babies (our son was 6.5 lbs at birth). A carrier frees up one of your arms so you can get a few things done while still holding the baby. You can also wear it to nurse discreetly in public. These days there are myriad options for cloth baby carriers. Find the one that works for you.

Basic baby clothes - All you really need in the beginning are lots of onesies and some gowns (easier than sleepers for diaper changes). But you'll probably want some one-piece outfits too, especially if you plan to leave the house with the baby. For those, avoid those that snap in the back -- the crotch snaps are much easier to work with. For a summer baby, socks are fairly useless unless you put shoes over them (socks fall off). When fall comes, get some Robeez shoes, which are the only kind that stay on.

A diaper bag that you love - you might not be able to determine this until after you've been out with the baby a few times. I like a plain ol' LL Bean Boat & Tote because I tend to over-prepare and thus carry lots of stuff with me. You will need to bring with you: diapers, wipes, at least one change of baby clothes (yes, really.), a spit up rag, and a receiving blanket. You may also want a portable changing pad, plastic bags to wrap up your dirties, formula and bottles, a toy, a pacifier, a jacket, a hat, a sling or other carrier, all sorts of baby care items like Tylenol and diaper rash cream, and so forth. It depends on what makes you feel comfortable. You can keep a larger bag with all the aforementioned stuff in the car, and carry a smaller one (with diapers and wipes) with you.

Infant nail clippers - best used when baby is sleeping or in his or her car seat.

Baby View Mirror for the car – Until your baby is big enough to use a forward-facing car seat, he or she will be facing away from you in the car. As you will surely be curious whether or not your baby is happy or sad, asleep or awake, with or without a pacifier as you drive, such a mirror will be very helpful in answering these questions. It will also help you in those inevitable “He’s still breathing, right?” moments that all new parents have. Find a large-enough mirror that you can angle just-right, so you can see it in your own rear-view mirror, so you won’t have to constantly be turning around to peek.

Baby bath tub - we love our Sure Comfort Deluxe, made by The First Years. It feels much safer and cozier than the kitchen sink. You'll need some soap too. We like the brand Healthy Times, available at the health food store. And the softer, finer-nap baby washcloths are essential too. Grown-up washcloths feel too coarse on baby skin.

A digital camera is a great idea, of course. Leave it out so you'll use it frequently.

A digital thermometer & alcohol swabs. When the baby is fussy, checking for a fever will be part of your regular routine. Get some Vaseline -- or our preference, Un-Petroleum Jelly from the health food store – because it’s a rectal thermometer and you’ll want to make it slippery! The CVS brand thermometer is fine. Get a package of foil-sealed alcohol swabs to make thermometer cleaning fast & easy.

Harvey Karp's book The Happiest Baby on the Block is a lifesaver. It's a quick read -- so read it before the baby arrives and keep it handy for reference. There’s a DVD version too -- if you’re too busy (or tired) to read.

A good baby reference book. We use both Sears’ The Baby Book and the tried and true What To Expect – The First Year. The monthly format of the latter is VERY helpful.

A Note About Registering for Baby Gear

2008-09-01T21:06:00.000-04:00

If this is your first child, someone will probably throw you a baby shower. This is a really good thing, because when you have a baby you need tons of stuff, and it adds up fast cost-wise. It’s nice to get some help along the way. Even if you don’t have a shower, it can be helpful to have a registry for your own planning purposes, and because there might be well-meaning people out there who want to buy you something you actually need.

If you have already been to Babies R Us, the place most people register for their baby showers, then you know exactly what I’m talking about here. If you have not yet been to Babies R Us, please take heed: DO NOT GO ALONE.

Babies R Us is a HUGE store with an overwhelming amount of stuff in it. Every single woman I know who went there to prepare for her first child, myself included, had some sort of meltdown in the store. It’s just too much to take in all at once. If you can bring a friend who recently had a baby (your mom probably won’t remember how many burp cloths she needed to adequately sop up your spit-up), she can help you make the myriad choices you will have before you.

If you don’t have someone to help, then plan ahead, make a list, and maybe even make multiple short trips rather than a single marathon one. Also, consider doing some of your registering online – you don’t necessarily need to see or handle some of the items you’ll be putting on your list.

Babies R Us will offer you a list of “everything” you need to register for. Bear in mind that their mission is to sell these things, and a lot of the stuff on the list isn’t really necessary at all. I recommend focusing on what your needs will be in the first few months, and registering for those things, plus big-ticket items that you hope friends and family members will buy as gifts (high chair, exersaucer, stroller, pack & play, etc.). Don’t worry about registering for safety gates and sippy cups and potty chairs and 6-18 month pacifiers – you won’t know till the baby is older what his or her preferences are. After the baby is a few months old, you will have a better idea of what you will need for the later months, and you’ll probably enjoy the shopping trip more (and feel more like a “pro” doing it).

Also, I don’t recommend registering for clothing there, except for the essentials, like white onesies, that they stock throughout the year. Babies R Us changes their clothing inventory frequently, and often what you register for is not available when your friends and family go to shop for it. Don’t worry – you will get LOTS of clothing as gifts – few people can resist buying those cute little sleepers and bodysuits, even when they’re not on your list.